Real life
‘This situation is Rorke’s Drift,’ said the builder boyfriend, after our proposed renovations were objected to at the parish council’s…
The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E
Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…
What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?
After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…
I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family
Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…
Why menopausal women need guide dogs
Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…
Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up
Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…
The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs
The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…
The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy
The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…
I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb
I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…
Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners
Compulsory microchipping of dogs will hurt caring pet owners – but help busybodies
Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to
My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…
I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last
After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…
I am keeping the vet in work all on my own
If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…
All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom
Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…
My horse's race career hangs by a tendon
‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…
Five little words that signify catastrophe
Darcy trod on a screw. Five little words which, if Darcy was anything other than a thoroughbred horse, might signify…
My tyre-fitter tried to recruit me as a jihadi bride
The last time I bought a set of tyres in south London I came away not quite knowing whether I…
Victorian south London plumbing is pure evil
My upstairs neighbours are terribly nice, but too naive to be allowed to renovate their flat in peace. The two…
There is affordable healthcare the other side of the Hindhead tunnel
After the £1,100 quote from the vet in London I drove down the A3 and out the other side of…
My speed awareness course might push me over the limit again
If these speed awareness courses get much more entertaining and informative they might become a dangerous incentive to break the…
How to make a vet blush
My attempt to have a small cyst removed from the spaniel was always going to be fraught with difficulty. My…
Next time I go to India, I want imperialism 2.0
When in India, I always appal my highly educated tour guides. They despair of me, as they drag me round…
The rights agenda is a game of scissors paper stone
All disputes are now a clash of rights in which both sides compete to see who has the greatest claim…
Doing The Birdie Song on the back of a trainee racehorse
‘Start at the back and try to pass as many horses as you can,’ said the trainer, as we stepped…
The left-wing lunacy of Tooting Honey Toilets
‘Sadly, the world is filled with apathy,’ said my friend, as we looked at our sad little list of conscripts…
