Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014 9:00 am

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…

I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott

18 October 2014 9:00 am

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…

Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

11 October 2014 9:00 am

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…

Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014 9:00 am

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…

Why do we care about the mutts from Manchester and not the chickens from KFC?

27 September 2014 9:00 am

Our attitude to animals and their suffering is bonkers

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014 9:00 am

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014 9:00 am

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…

Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014 9:00 am

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…

Justine Greening interview: 'It's about understanding what it's like to start from scratch'

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Justine Greening says that the Conservatives will not win big until they really home in on social mobility

These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…

Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table.…

Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another…

The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple

16 August 2014 9:00 am

The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism…

Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?

9 August 2014 9:00 am

A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before,…

The only woman who can make me lie

2 August 2014 9:00 am

With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this.…

One day I was always going to have to eat quinoa. It might as well be now

26 July 2014 9:00 am

As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’.…

David Cameron's misogynistic reshuffle

19 July 2014 9:00 am

The PM doesn’t want the new women in his cabinet to do anything but look nice

I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50

19 July 2014 9:00 am

‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me…

Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?

12 July 2014 9:00 am

‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in…

A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm

5 July 2014 9:00 am

If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base…

Should I report my boyfriend to the police?

28 June 2014 9:00 am

We’re now so eager to take offence that humour is almost impossible

I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet

28 June 2014 9:00 am

The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course…

To the eco-warrior on the moped...

21 June 2014 8:00 am

‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s…

Volvo 1; Melissa Kite: 0

14 June 2014 8:00 am

‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the…

Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site

7 June 2014 9:00 am

‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was…