The left-wing lunacy of Tooting Honey Toilets
‘Sadly, the world is filled with apathy,’ said my friend, as we looked at our sad little list of conscripts…
My part-time boyfriend and I bonded over the Tooting Honey Toilets
A boyfriend’s for life, not just for Christmas. It’s no good me getting myself a nice cuddly man with whom…
Here’s the worst that can happen when you go on a date
Go on, they said. Go on a date. Let your friend fix you up with a nice eligible man. Nothing…
The sabs hate us because we’re patriotic, top-rate tax-paying, law-abiding scum
‘You lot are a disgrace! Chasing after defenceless animals on horseback!’ The bearded anti was on his mountain bike on…
Don’t get on the Clapham omnibus; you might never get off
I got on a bus. Well, I wasn’t to know, was I? I just saw a bus stop by the…
They shoot horses, don’t they?
By the time you read this I will have delivered my long-awaited speech to the World Horse Welfare annual conference…
Puppy parents’ evening — or money for old rope
A letter has arrived summoning me to parents’ evening to discuss Cydney’s progress. Yes, I am aware that Cydney is…
If there were bones sticking out, I’m out — midlife crisis or no midlife crisis
‘This is a two Voltarol day,’ I thought, as I popped another pill and settled into the bath after Darcy’s…
Why over-forties like me still need feminism
For older women, the battle for equality is far from won
Sabs don’t want to stop fox-hunting; they never did
Devotee of the old ways though I am, I can just about understand why a misguided animal lover might oppose…
From Darcy's first gallop, I was addicted to speed
The young lad behind the counter of the betting shop looked at me askance. ‘This horse is 200–1.’ ‘Yes. I…
I rode my own racehorse and was changed for ever
‘The last owner who tried to ride his own horse got tanked,’ said the trainer, looking up at me as…
My nights with Hollywood film stars may be far behind me
At least two insurances are going to have to go, as I grapple with fear of penury, I have decided.…
A non-dom speaks: ‘The Swiss, Hong Kong, the Singaporeans, they are all saying “Come”!’
Indian magnate Nirmal Sethia on what the English get wrong about tea – and the other countries seeking to recruit our discontented non-doms
Balham is about as close as you get, in 2015, to the 1950s
After pulling out of my flat sale and U-turning on the idea of moving to the Cotswolds, it took me…
Have my bones fallen to bits like the Oxford professor said they would?
‘Are you afraid of falling over?’ asked the bored young radiologist, as he started filling out the forms. I had…
Exciting news: I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet but we may be expecting
Exciting news. We might be expecting. I say might because I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet. I thought about…
Hell is dealing with police bureaucracy
‘Yes, you can report it, but it’s going to take ten minutes to go through the process,’ said the oppressively…
Am I moving to the Cotswolds? Don't measure the curtains yet
On the basis that I might need a new boiler soon, I thought I had better sell the London flat…
From ponies to Jeremy Corbyn: Balham’s startingly posh militant left
If anyone wants to know why the Labour party is about to elect Jeremy Corbyn as its leader then they…
My local hospital is ‘listening to its staff’ – but not, apparently, the patients
Surely it can be no coincidence that the road by which one enters St George’s Hospital, Tooting, is called Effort…
Just call me Miss Whiplash
The vet bill has been sitting on my desk for three weeks. All vet bills are cruel and unusual but…
Charities are the last bastion of corporate greed
Charities’ fundraising practices are out of control
I don’t do WhatsApp, and that’s final
‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask…
Challenging parking tickets is my crack cocaine
‘Cydney, we are not moving to Cobham!’ I told the spaniel in my best outraged Margot Leadbetter voice. What a…
