Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers

2 November 2013 9:00 am

Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating…

'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting

26 October 2013 9:00 am

Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound…

'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'

19 October 2013 9:00 am

‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to…

Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism

12 October 2013 9:00 am

‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The…

Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people

5 October 2013 9:00 am

Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to…

The police give Melissa Kite short shrift

28 September 2013 9:00 am

Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young…

Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend

21 September 2013 9:00 am

The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each…

Melissa Kite: My horse show shame

14 September 2013 9:00 am

‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle.…

Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council

7 September 2013 9:00 am

Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of…

Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop

31 August 2013 9:00 am

What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again?…

Melissa Kite: Spare me from successful neighbours

24 August 2013 9:00 am

At last. I’ve waited a long time for this moment. I’ve been through years of torture at the hands of…

Melissa Kite was the most unpopular girl in her school

17 August 2013 9:00 am

If you are bullied at school, you see, you never stop feeling bullied, no matter how old you are. It…

Melissa Kite meets the Greek dog lady on Tooting Common and has words

10 August 2013 9:00 am

My spaniel has been pronounced ‘too thin’ by a lady who rescues dogs from Greece. I had stopped to chat…

Bats vs people

3 August 2013 9:00 am

They are a protected species – we’re not

Melissa Kite is punished for ignoring the Madonna of the sea

3 August 2013 9:00 am

‘Benvenuti alla Small Cluster Band!’ And about time, too. We had been sitting in the Castello in Castellabate for half…

Will Melissa Kite’s former Italian waiter boyfriend stir up trouble again?

27 July 2013 9:00 am

‘Piccolo problemo.’ Luigi, the hotel manager, delivered the fateful news as he served me my first lemon soda of the…

Melissa Kite: I can turn a picnic into a panic attack

20 July 2013 9:00 am

You know you’re in bad shape when you need to make a list before you go to the GP. Admittedly,…

Real life: ‘I am going to sit here until you issue me with my warranty papers’

13 July 2013 9:00 am

This is the story of the amazing, disappearing car warranty. It is a cautionary tale that all second-hand car buyers…

Real life: My handsome builder ex-boyfriend shows me how to buy a car

6 July 2013 9:00 am

The sometime builder boyfriend spotted the Volvo on his way to a roofing job in Dorking. He rang me greatly…