Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Should I report my boyfriend to the police?

28 June 2014 9:00 am

We’re now so eager to take offence that humour is almost impossible

I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet

28 June 2014 9:00 am

The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course…

To the eco-warrior on the moped...

21 June 2014 8:00 am

‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s…

Volvo 1; Melissa Kite: 0

14 June 2014 8:00 am

‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the…

Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site

7 June 2014 9:00 am

‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was…

How I finished writing my novel

31 May 2014 9:00 am

In the end, I threw my mobile phone into a sack of Chudley’s dog biscuits. It was the only way…

A&E is no place for the over-tens

24 May 2014 9:00 am

‘Ouch!’ said the ex-builder boyfriend. ‘I think something’s bitten me.’ And a few seconds after that, something bit me too.…

The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'

17 May 2014 9:00 am

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp…

Herbal remedies for horses? I'm half tempted to try them myself...

10 May 2014 9:00 am

You know you’ve been irreversibly sucked into the ninth circle of horse-owning hell when you find yourself perusing an equine…

Must every man take spring off to give birth?

3 May 2014 9:00 am

Really, I do wish people would stagger their baby-making. Absolutely every professional person whose services I have required in the…

Like a Volvo, I start predicting disaster long before it happens

26 April 2014 9:00 am

The mechanic hooked the Volvo up to his special laptop. He had kindly offered to come to me in order…

Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise

19 April 2014 9:00 am

‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying…

My Volvo has turned into a monster

12 April 2014 9:00 am

The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me…

'I assembled a counter full of sharp objects, and went at it like Rambo in First Blood'

5 April 2014 9:00 am

All the way around a cross country course I went, then I got back, tied the horse up at a…

I accidentally bought a racehorse. Would you like to join a syndicate?

29 March 2014 9:00 am

This horse-rearing business is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought an eight-month-old…

The girl who hadn't heard of the Berlin Wall

22 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Question 2. In which year did the Berlin Wall come down?’ shouted the quizmaster. And then he repeated this with…

Help! My gay best friend is cheating on me

15 March 2014 9:00 am

My gay best friend is cheating on me with another woman. I saw him with her the other day and…

David Cameron is sending me begging letters

8 March 2014 9:00 am

A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote…

My friend Denise doesn't know where London ends – just when it ends

1 March 2014 9:00 am

The look on her face said it all. I can always tell my friend Denise is upset about something when…

The Environment Agency cares more about wildlife than people

22 February 2014 9:00 am

The Environment Agency may not be much use to humans, but it does great things for the depressed river mussel

Why is campaigning so thankless? 

22 February 2014 9:00 am

‘Quick, let’s slip one in the menu,’ said the builder, taking a leaflet from my handbag after we had paid…

Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world 

15 February 2014 9:00 am

‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that…

Finding a job for my cocker spaniel

8 February 2014 9:00 am

Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me…

My Chinese water torture

1 February 2014 9:00 am

Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who…

I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky

25 January 2014 9:00 am

Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And…