I wouldn't want to be a girl in the age of Tinder
Romance is being killed off by the brutal marketplace of dating apps such as Tinder
Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!
‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…
The Tooting poisoner and the relentless rise of the urban fox
In my London neighbourhood, an argument about urban foxes is turning very nasty indeed
118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast
‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…
The dead iPad Sketch
My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…
I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic
My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…
I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services
Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…
Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident
Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…
Draft and save is as good a New Year’s resolution as any
Draft and save. That is as good a New Year’s resolution as any. Never send an email or letter in…
Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014
The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…
How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives
Whether the high-speed rail line is built or not, it is destroying the retirements of people like my parents
How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize
After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…
Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’
The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…
If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area
Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…
The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad
People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners…
My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace
Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…
Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?
What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…
Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?
After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…
I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott
My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…
Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?
As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…
Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs
A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…
Why do we care about the mutts from Manchester and not the chickens from KFC?
Our attitude to animals and their suffering is bonkers
Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.
A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…
If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?
After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…
Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist
‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…
