Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

The tyranny of the smart phone

22 January 2022 9:00 am

‘Can I ask you why you don’t want a smart phone?’ said the chirpy manager, as I stood blinking in…

Surrey’s vegan wars

15 January 2022 9:00 am

One of the village vegans gave the bacon sandwich resting on top of the recycling bin outside my house an…

Real life

8 January 2022 9:00 am

Last night I dreamt I went on holiday again. It seemed to me I stood by the departure gate, and…

Am I being impersonated by an actor from Colorado or a mining company?

18 December 2021 9:00 am

Someone else with my name is wreaking havoc with my attempts to control the Twitter account I don’t want. Obviously,…

Why I prefer to rely on natural immunity

11 December 2021 9:00 am

‘Did you hear it?’ said a friend of mine, red-faced with the flush of a piece of news she couldn’t…

My battle of the bulb

4 December 2021 9:00 am

The streetlighting engineer walked up and down outside my house trying to work out who was right: me, or my…

There is a new and deadly threat to the countryside

27 November 2021 9:00 am

Surprise, surprise. The person who had the shield taken out of the street light so it shone back into my…

Is there such a thing as a human right to night?

20 November 2021 9:00 am

The street lamp as bright as the Dog Star is back to its full glare outside my house. I won…

Just another mad night out at the local bad-food gastropub

13 November 2021 9:00 am

We were enjoying our evening at the overpriced gastropub until a woman in a dark uniform appeared at our table.…

My pro-vaxxer friends are changing their tune

6 November 2021 9:00 am

My pro-vaxxer friends have been a lot nicer to me since they started testing positive for Covid. I’m calling my…

Why I say no to apps

30 October 2021 9:00 am

‘My phone says I can’t go out until Tuesday, so I can’t come and meet you,’ said my friend. And…

If a bloke can wear stockings and suspenders in a stable yard why can’t I?

23 October 2021 9:00 am

We had gone to visit a friend at a stable yard on a country estate on a crisp autumn Sunday.…

My horse is allergic to beige carpet

16 October 2021 9:00 am

The horse lorry arrived and lowered its ramp — and I stood in front of it knowing that my thoroughbred…

In defence of panic buying

9 October 2021 9:00 am

The filling station on the road out of the village was like a scene from Mad Max. People were all…

In praise of bots

2 October 2021 9:00 am

British Gas finally agreed to service my boiler, for no reason I could make out other than the boiler wasn’t…

Are the builder boyfriend and I falling apart?

25 September 2021 9:00 am

After the landowner told us to be out in three weeks, then admitted we had three months to move our…

Our East Sussex house-hunting nightmare

18 September 2021 9:00 am

The two-acre smallholding lived up to its name in being very, very small indeed. We had to squeeze around the…

Why I’m going to start speaking in acronyms

11 September 2021 9:00 am

‘I’ve got COPD,’ said a friend of mine, not elaborating at all as I stared at him waiting for him…

You need to be a millionaire to move to Wales

4 September 2021 9:00 am

We began searching for the farm of our dreams in Wales as we planned our escape from Surrey. The problem…

The end of an era: after 20 years we must move our horses off the farm

28 August 2021 9:00 am

The letter arrived in a hand-addressed envelope, inside of which was a handwritten note. After everything we have been through,…

I’m not ill but I’m not as I was: how Covid takes its toll

21 August 2021 9:00 am

If it’s true that the virus finds your weak spot, it has lodged itself like an evil monkey in my…

Why I’m thanking God, my immune system and garlic

14 August 2021 9:00 am

‘Contact a GP if you’re worried about symptoms four weeks after having Covid.’ That was the NHS quote on the…

The lost dogs of Surrey

7 August 2021 9:00 am

The woman pulled up in her flashy 4×4 which was meandering along the farm track in that way people have…

To be jabbed – or not to be jabbed?

31 July 2021 9:00 am

The doctor’s receptionist was adamant. ‘If you had not had the vaccine you would have been even more ill with…

I enjoy making a nuisance of myself for a good cause

24 July 2021 9:00 am

The scaffolding pole across the public footpath led to a farcical conversation with the local council. I had been walking…