Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Real life

14 October 2017 9:00 am

They are building the bonfire already. In the dip where winter flooding sometimes creates a small lake, the wood and…

Real life

7 October 2017 9:00 am

How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…

Real Life

30 September 2017 9:00 am

Assuming someone had moved house before, and put a new boiler in their new house, while remaining a customer of…

Real life

23 September 2017 9:00 am

BT have just put the phone down on me for asking them to stop sending me junk mail, which is…

Real life

16 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano and his boys got to work with gusto and within a few days the upstairs of my house started…

Real life

9 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano the Albanian turned up in a brand new Audi off-roader, cutting quite the dash. He looked older, with some…

Real life

2 September 2017 9:00 am

My friendly neighbourhood Lib Dems have put some campaign literature through my door. In a covering note, they intimate that…

Real life

26 August 2017 9:00 am

Darcy is high-maintenance, so I decided to leave her in the posh livery yard, with its luxuriant shavings beds and…

Real life

19 August 2017 9:00 am

Easier by far to load up my horses and move them to the next village than try to fight the…

Real life

12 August 2017 9:00 am

Like Steve McQueen gone slightly to seed, the builder boyfriend strode off into the sunset. Nothing becomes him so much…

Real life

5 August 2017 9:00 am

‘This situation is Rorke’s Drift,’ said the builder boyfriend, after our proposed renovations were objected to at the parish council’s…

The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…

I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…

Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up

7 May 2016 9:00 am

Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…

The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs

30 April 2016 9:00 am

The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…

The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy

23 April 2016 9:00 am

The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…

I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb

16 April 2016 9:00 am

I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…

Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners

9 April 2016 9:00 am

When Laura Rennie was told that the cat she lost as a kitten had been found 18 years after it…

Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…

I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last

2 April 2016 9:00 am

After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…

I am keeping the vet in work all on my own

26 March 2016 9:00 am

If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…

All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom

19 March 2016 9:00 am

Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…

My horse's race career hangs by a tendon

12 March 2016 9:00 am

‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…