Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Am I making a mountain out of my mole?

5 April 2025 9:00 am

Hypochondriacs are never happy because we know that eventually all of us are vindicated. As Spike Milligan said on his…

My hunt for a doctor took a horror movie turn

29 March 2025 9:00 am

My American guest went down with a cough he could not shift and, after a week of protesting that he…

There are no Ubers in the wilds of West Cork

22 March 2025 9:00 am

My American guest kept telling me he was going to call an Uber and I could not persuade him that…

Why would anyone drive at 30mph on a dual carriageway?

15 March 2025 9:00 am

After running all the errands I could to help my parents, a letter from West Midlands Police arrived. They were…

I’m the one who needs a carer now

8 March 2025 9:00 am

My father was discharged from hospital with a plastic bag containing 13 boxes of pills and a vague promise that…

Has someone been smuggling drugs in my hay bales?

1 March 2025 9:00 am

The hay dealer showed me his latest stock and told me the bright green hay would cost me a staggering…

I won’t let my mother be sent to a care home

22 February 2025 9:00 am

My mother was about to be taken to a care home called Willow Trees, and the first thing my instincts…

My parents prefer the NHS to me

15 February 2025 9:00 am

The US marine left his long johns down the back of an armchair and the next guest complained that she…

My memorable ride in a Black Hawk

8 February 2025 9:00 am

The pilot of the Black Hawk told me I could recline the seat if I wasn’t comfortable. ‘Oh, great!’ I…

My turbulent flight with the hen do crew

1 February 2025 9:00 am

‘Oggy oggy oggy!’ shouted the Italian flight attendant over his intercom, and all the hen party ladies on the plane…

Marriage is corny and pointless – but we’re doing it anyway

25 January 2025 9:00 am

The one question the priest did not ask me, thank goodness, was why I wanted to get married. That might…

Has the funeral director been sizing up the BB?

18 January 2025 9:00 am

The funeral director down the lane is also the local taxi service, which partly explains why I see him drive…

The Irish laugh in the face of EU regulations

11 January 2025 9:00 am

Our house was suddenly shrouded in a thick, grey mass of cloud and it felt like a sea fog had…

My run-in with the GP receptionist

4 January 2025 9:00 am

‘We don’t have an appointment for you!’ yelled the woman sitting behind the reception hatch. My 87-year-old father stared back…

I shouldn’t be allowed to go to church

14 December 2024 9:00 am

‘Life is changed, not ended,’ said the slogan on the lectern as the priest told his flock what to think…

Tenerife is a soap opera in the sun

7 December 2024 9:00 am

A warm Sahara wind was blowing and by late afternoon the western sky where it met the sea was the…

The complicated etiquette of the empty train seat

30 November 2024 9:00 am

The empty train seat looked inviting, and all three of us stared at it, then looked away, not daring to…

The revenge of the anger management counsellor

23 November 2024 9:00 am

‘This is a New York strut,’ said the builder boyfriend as he wedged in place a steel bar, bracing shut…

Printers are pure evil

16 November 2024 9:00 am

‘Printers are evil,’ said the office supplies salesman after I texted him to complain that my new printer was not…

My run-in with Greta Thunderpants

9 November 2024 9:00 am

The anger management counsellor stormed through the door and shouted at me to turn the heating up. Hello to you…

Hands off my empty plastic bottles!

2 November 2024 9:00 am

‘Where are my empty plastic bottles?’ I ran around the house screaming, after discovering my stash had disappeared. The government…

My boyfriend, the hedgehog hero

26 October 2024 9:00 am

‘I’m making a hedgehog rescue ladder,’ said the builder boyfriend, who was on his knees in the farmyard, drilling a…

How I found Love on Airbnb

19 October 2024 9:00 am

‘My name is Love,’ typed the help assistant, ‘and I’m a member of the Airbnb community support team.’ I was…

Help! I don’t speak emoji

12 October 2024 9:00 am

My friend replied to my text with seven sets of animal paw prints, interspersed with pink hearts and rounded off…

Why is it so hard to hire a car?

5 October 2024 9:00 am

My passport and driving licence sat on the counter but the girl stared back at me, repeating her demand. ‘I…