Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

This was not your usual entitled Surrey trespasser

26 September 2020 9:00 am

The Volkswagen Passat was parked next to my field gate, sticking out into the lane, blocking larger vehicles from getting…

The WFH community are finally walking their own dogs — with terrible consequences

19 September 2020 9:00 am

Every time I get on a horse I have to face the likelihood that a dog, or pack of dogs,…

Was the maskless man in my carriage dying of Covid?

12 September 2020 9:00 am

A man without a mask appeared to be dying of Covid, or something quite like it, on the London to…

Beware cars with National Trust stickers

5 September 2020 9:00 am

Always the National Trust sticker. It feels like every time a car parks across the gateway to my horses’ field…

Trust the NHS to take the worst elements of the private sector

29 August 2020 9:00 am

After driving around the hospital grounds in concentric circles until I was surely down a wormhole, I found the scanning…

My ‘virus’ turned out to be arthritis

22 August 2020 9:00 am

‘Hallo! You was callin’ us about appoint…MENT!’ said the lady at the scanning unit of my local hospital in broken…

The joy of pickling

15 August 2020 9:00 am

We have beans, peas, potatoes, tomatoes, butternut squash, plums and strawberries growing in our garden. I dug up and replanted…

If the office is ‘too dangerous’, why is everyone jetting off on holiday?

8 August 2020 9:00 am

The whole of Surrey and south-west London seem to have gone abroad on holiday so I’ve got my sanity back.…

You can’t sing in church but you can get a tattoo

1 August 2020 9:00 am

From my seat in the greasy spoon café I looked out on a typical English row of shops on a…

You wait ages for an ambulance, then five come along at once

25 July 2020 9:00 am

‘I need an ambulance!’ yelled the builder boyfriend into his mobile phone as the cyclist lay bleeding from a head…

The politics of hair dye

18 July 2020 9:00 am

‘What are you going to put on my head to protect me?’ said the man outside the barber’s shop to…

Will Zooming replace real-life socialising?

11 July 2020 9:00 am

‘Are you seriously telling me you would rather meet up on Zoom than in reality?’ I asked a friend as…

It’s time for lockdown lovers to accept that the fun is over

4 July 2020 9:00 am

My friend turned up wearing a snorkelling mask, beneath which she had tied a bandana around her mouth. On her…

The abominable selfishness of the Surrey middle classes

27 June 2020 9:00 am

‘Have you met the man who keeps his horses in this field?’ said one silver-haired lady to the other, as…

My organ donation opt-out hell

20 June 2020 9:00 am

Opting out of organ donation was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. I don’t mean the…

There were horses loose in a Public Sex Environment

13 June 2020 9:00 am

The two horses looked like they had never seen anything like it. They had wound up in a dark car…

Our first outing to the beach was ruined by angry two-metre-ites

6 June 2020 9:00 am

We went on our first outing, to the beach at Littlehampton, but I’m not sure it was as stress-relieving as…

It’s hell when your whole neighbourhood is working from home

30 May 2020 9:00 am

It’s hell when the whole neighbourhood is working from home

All I want to do is de-worm my horse

30 May 2020 9:00 am

We arrived at the country store with only three minutes to closing time so our chances of scoring horse wormer…

What no one tells you about owning a horse

23 May 2020 9:00 am

When people ask me what I did during lockdown, I would like to give an inspiring answer, apart from growing…

Lockdown is making a Lib Dem of me

16 May 2020 9:00 am

If this lockdown doesn’t end soon we are all going to turn into hairy lefties. I have just cut the…

My toilet ultimatum to the builder boyfriend

9 May 2020 9:00 am

The rain showers had a strange and wondrous effect. All the cyclists, joggers and dog walkers that were coming from…

I’m imposing a one-woman trade embargo on China

2 May 2020 9:00 am

Without making any efforts in that direction, I now know all about a certain telecom firm’s future business plans. My…

We don’t have lockdown in Surrey

25 April 2020 9:00 am

The man was unloading cycles from the boot of his car just as I was about to take the turning…

Why I joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses

18 April 2020 9:00 am

The toad who lives at the bottom of the garden in the pile of bricks beneath the potting table was…