Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Why do hygienists self-sabotage?

8 May 2021 9:00 am

‘You’re meant to be having your dental appointment now!’ barked the receptionist, bringing my lie-in to an abrupt end. Very…

Why the Tories won’t let me display a local election poster

1 May 2021 9:00 am

Being told by the Tories not to put a local election poster in my window because it will only remind…

When people say ‘do your bit for your country’ what they mean is ‘do your bit for my holiday’

24 April 2021 9:00 am

Trying to get hold of HRT in the time of Covid is like trying to score crack. Possibly, scoring crack…

Our doctor’s surgery is beginning to look like a Category A penitentiary

17 April 2021 9:00 am

When the time came for the nurse to ring me to take my blood pressure, the phone simply didn’t ring.…

‘Protect the NHS’ is all very well, but when will the NHS protect us?

10 April 2021 9:00 am

After refusing to issue my HRT without a blood pressure test, the GP surgery rang to offer me an appointment.…

How not to walk a dog

3 April 2021 9:00 am

Watching a woman driving a dog past my house like a carthorse is just another ‘new normal’ of lockdown. This…

The ugly truth about natural horsemanship

27 March 2021 9:00 am

The rope riders came down the driveway slowly, their horses veering this way and that, side to side, forwards a…

Why I’ve gone right off the police

20 March 2021 9:00 am

‘Welcome to Victims First. Please leave your name and number and we will return your call. Beeeeeeeeeeeep!’ I had rung…

Lockdown is making a criminal of me

13 March 2021 9:00 am

‘Have you had your jab, Margery?’ said one Surrey lady to another in the queue for take-away coffee at the…

The curse of semi-invisible road signs

6 March 2021 9:00 am

‘We’re sorry your experience with us has not been a good one,’ said the press officer at Surrey Police. ‘You…

Beware the hobby bobby

27 February 2021 9:00 am

‘Anything you say may be given in evidence. Do you have anything to say?’ I looked at the baby-faced police…

The mystical power of the word ‘unsafe’

20 February 2021 9:00 am

The street light as bright as the Dog Star was fitted with a shield, and I was assigned my own…

My quest for the perfect bean burger

13 February 2021 9:00 am

Eventually, I got so bored I ended up at Burger King. For no other reason than to amuse myself one…

Had the kitchen shop assistant been drugged and handcuffed?

6 February 2021 9:00 am

The kitchen tap began dripping as if it knew perfectly well that this would land me in a predicament whereby…

Surrey county council has abolished night time

30 January 2021 9:00 am

An everlasting lightbulb brighter than the Dog Star was installed in the street lamp outside my house one morning as…

What’s a squashed dog between neighbours?

23 January 2021 9:00 am

Not long after he took on a smallholding for his cobs, the builder boyfriend found a couple walking through his…

Join me for weekly Scream If You’re Going Round The Bend

16 January 2021 9:00 am

Never mind Clap for Carers, I’m trying to start a new weekly morale booster called Scream If You’re Going Round…

What parking disputes have taught me about Brexit

9 January 2021 9:00 am

Our battle with the EU has given me an insight into the parking disputes outside my house. Or is it…

Come back, doggers, all is forgiven

19 December 2020 9:00 am

Bring back the men having sex in the undergrowth. This was the thought that occurred to me and my friend…

Why it pays to be rude to ramblers

12 December 2020 9:00 am

If the novelty of going for a walk doesn’t wear thin for the marauding masses soon, I am going to…

Was endorsing Boris one of my worst misjudgments ever?

5 December 2020 9:00 am

Now that our social lives are a Venn diagram that only mathematicians can understand I am officially becoming a recluse.…

Why animals’ names matter

28 November 2020 9:00 am

Pretty Man was a plump white pony in the forefront of a sad picture. The photograph showed the seizure by…

The strange case of the ‘alleged bonfire’

21 November 2020 9:00 am

The council has told me that what I saw was an ‘alleged bonfire’. When I described flames towering into the…

Where’s the slogan saying ‘Lose Weight. Stop Boozing. Survive the virus!’?

14 November 2020 9:00 am

Panic at the country feed store. Panic in the horse and pony aisle. I wonder to myself: could life ever…

How do we stop the Lycra dads using our stable yard as a toilet?

7 November 2020 9:00 am

The cyclist pulled into our gateway, got off his bike and grabbed hold of the electric fencing. Installing game cameras,…