Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

Why my lodger has to be a girl

22 September 2018 9:00 am

The little lodger is moving in. I chose her after an exhaustive search of twentysomethings looking for accommodation, during which…

I was hounded by a canine sex pest

15 September 2018 9:00 am

A big part of my problem is that I don’t understand why people do the things they do. I was…

Is it easier to leave the EU than Norton AntiVirus?

8 September 2018 9:00 am

Leaving Norton, the antivirus software package, is a bit like trying to leave the EU. You may think, once you…

When you compare ragwort to Islamic extremism, who should be more offended?

1 September 2018 9:00 am

When I made a joke about ragwort being like Islamic extremism, I expected someone to write in. I was fully…

I am high as a Kite on gloss paint (excuse the pun)

25 August 2018 9:00 am

After I had been glossing the woodwork for a few days, I started to feel light-headed. It hadn’t occurred to…

Why won’t anyone live with me?

18 August 2018 9:00 am

When I placed an advert for a lodger I really did expect potential tenants to want to come and see…

Root out ragwort!

11 August 2018 9:00 am

A sea of bright yellow flowers in a sun- drenched meadow… what could be more idyllic? Sadly, all that glisters…

Welcome to customer services, Guantanamo Bay-style

11 August 2018 9:00 am

The engineer from Beko arrived and got to work trying to mend the new fridge. Having spent a very long…

The only guarantee I have is that there is no guaranteeing my guarantee

4 August 2018 9:00 am

Beko. I always want to sing that song by Peter Gabriel from the movie about the South African freedom fighter…

Stefano is a tonic, and I love him

28 July 2018 9:00 am

Stefano came back to paint the front of the house. I have never been so pleased to see his red…

It was either new carpets – or happy dogs

21 July 2018 9:00 am

Instead of carpeting the upstairs of the house, I had grass fragments removed from the dogs’ ears. I can’t say…

Is EE fantastic after all?

14 July 2018 9:00 am

This was going to be about how a major phone company surprised me by delivering a fantastic service. I was…

Sex and MOTs

7 July 2018 9:00 am

Opening a button of my shirt to get the horse lorry through its MOT is the sort of thing I…

Me and my gun

30 June 2018 9:00 am

Finally, I got my hands on a gun. About the size of a sawn-off shotgun it was, just under 20in…

The hidden costs of dogging

23 June 2018 9:00 am

Every day in every way we are paying for more and more. I realise this increasingly. Things we took for…

It’s war in my neighbourhood – and this time it’s gloves off

16 June 2018 9:00 am

After sanding floorboards for two days I became even more demented than usual. The hand sander was the exact right…

Turmeric is the hero herb – an all-natural, vegan alternative to common sense

9 June 2018 9:00 am

Dear customer, we are invading your privacy and sending you this unsolicited email in order to tell you that you…

Now I know how the Karate Kid felt

2 June 2018 9:00 am

Now I know how the Karate Kid felt. Two hours after I began oiling the newly laid deck in my…

The poorer I get, the more capitalist I become

26 May 2018 9:00 am

‘What a fabulous tan, where did you get it? said one of my fellow lunch guests as we entered the…

My name’s Melissa and my horse is a grassoholic

19 May 2018 9:00 am

Laminitis is a lot like alcoholism. Once you cross the line you can’t go back. ‘My name’s Gracie and I’m…

The women who are turning horses into dogs

12 May 2018 9:00 am

The first time I saw a woman leading a horse down the lane on a lead, both she and it…

Why suburban ladies really play tennis

5 May 2018 9:00 am

Because my mother is always telling me everything will be all right if I join a tennis club, I’ve joined…

Save me from middle managers dressed up as Spiderman

28 April 2018 9:00 am

‘You’ve got your essay on your back, then?’ said the stable yard owner as I headed out with Darcy on…

Do we really need an app for everything?

21 April 2018 9:00 am

‘If this madness goes on, I will not be able to leave my house without downloading the app,’ I told…

‘See it, Say it, Sort it’ makes me want to self-harm

14 April 2018 9:00 am

‘How could you forget to get on the train?’ asked the keeper. ‘I can understand how you forgot to get…