Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

How I got one over on the chat bot

2 July 2022 9:00 am

‘Your service contract has been completed,’ said someone or something from British Gas, in the chat box on its website.…

Rewilding will kill Waitrose

25 June 2022 9:00 am

‘Do you care about the woodland? Do you care about the wildlife?’ shouted the bearded Woodland Trust volunteer from his…

I demand my right to night

18 June 2022 9:00 am

The LED streetlamp outside my house was fitted with a ‘compromise’ shield acceptable to a vegan that looked as if…

Why I don’t do WhatsApp

11 June 2022 9:00 am

If I could ban one question ever being asked of me again it would be: ‘Are you on WhatsApp?’ I…

The house names of Surrey tell a sad story

4 June 2022 9:00 am

If you want to understand Surrey, look at the house names. Keepers’ Copse, Meadow View, Weavers, Highfields… What do all…

The village parking wars have taken an ugly turn

28 May 2022 9:00 am

The dynamics of the village can only be understood with reference to what’s happening to the parking. Unless you study…

The politics of horse muck

21 May 2022 9:00 am

‘You coming to help us poo pick?’ said my friend Terry, in a desperate sounding voice message. The builder boyfriend…

Are iPhones sending women gaga?

14 May 2022 9:00 am

The girl wound down her window, stuck her mobile phone out into midair, and started to take pictures of the…

It’s not cruel to shout at dogs

7 May 2022 9:00 am

‘Missing Dog, Please Do Not Call, Chase or Try To Grab Her!! She Will Run!!’ This notice, featuring the face…

Chump or champ? Why Ben Wallace could be the next PM

7 May 2022 9:00 am

Defence Secretary Ben Wallace is on manoeuvres

An extraordinary fracas at the vet

30 April 2022 9:00 am

After rushing our little spaniel to the veterinary hospital on the usual bank holiday emergency basis upon which all animals…

Why I won’t be following the new equine vaccine regime

23 April 2022 9:00 am

When the vet had finished giving my horses their annual flu boosters, she reminded me the vaccination regime had changed.…

Bring back Nancy

16 April 2022 9:00 am

The bank was having Transgender Visibility Day when I popped in to deposit some cash.The stressed-looking customers, meanwhile, seemed mostly…

Would my godson survive an afternoon with me?

9 April 2022 9:00 am

My friend Emily, who once got an owl stuck to her hand, was bringing her son for a day with…

Covid has given me a superpower

2 April 2022 9:00 am

Since recovering from Covid, I seem to have quietly been developing supernatural powers. At first I thought I had simply…

Is ours the oddest high street in the land?

26 March 2022 9:00 am

The window of the new shop was as brightly coloured as a circus entrance, and stuffed full of items bearing…

I stink at virtue signalling

19 March 2022 9:00 am

The lodger looked at me blankly and pronounced wearily, as though intoning something he was tired of parroting, that I…

The surreal purgatory of A&E

12 March 2022 9:00 am

‘This is my father, and his pronoun is he,’ said the builder boyfriend, checking his dad into Accident and Emergency.…

The politics of trees

5 March 2022 9:00 am

Trees glorious trees. People can’t get enough of them. They don’t want to take care of trees, they just want…

Every village needs a kebab shop

26 February 2022 9:00 am

‘A diary?’ said the lady in the chintzy gift shop, pronouncing the word very much as Edith Evans said ‘handbag’…

Insurance is like a toxic love affair

19 February 2022 9:00 am

‘Do you have any questions?’ said the man at the insurance company after an hour of me trying to take…

I’m stuck in Surrey, get me outta here!

12 February 2022 9:00 am

After most of Islington moved to Wales, it was foolish of me to think about following. But the need to…

Beware your car’s onboard computer

5 February 2022 9:00 am

After an incredible 13 emails, Vodafone decided that I was who I was claiming to be, and refunded my money.…

My Orwellian battle with Vodafone

29 January 2022 9:00 am

After launching an investigation into my missing phone, Vodafone informed me it could not deal with me any further until…

The tyranny of the smart phone

22 January 2022 9:00 am

‘Can I ask you why you don’t want a smart phone?’ said the chirpy manager, as I stood blinking in…