Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

29 November 2014 9:00 am

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…

If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

22 November 2014 9:00 am

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

15 November 2014 9:00 am

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners…

My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

8 November 2014 9:00 am

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

1 November 2014 9:00 am

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…

Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014 9:00 am

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…

I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott

18 October 2014 9:00 am

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…

Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

11 October 2014 9:00 am

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…

Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014 9:00 am

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…

Why do we care about the mutts from Manchester and not the chickens from KFC?

27 September 2014 9:00 am

Our attitude to animals and their suffering is bonkers

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014 9:00 am

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014 9:00 am

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…

Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014 9:00 am

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…

Justine Greening interview: 'It's about understanding what it's like to start from scratch'

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Justine Greening says that the Conservatives will not win big until they really home in on social mobility

These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014 9:00 am

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…

Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table.…

Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another…

The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple

16 August 2014 9:00 am

The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism…

Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?

9 August 2014 9:00 am

A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before,…

The only woman who can make me lie

2 August 2014 9:00 am

With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this.…

One day I was always going to have to eat quinoa. It might as well be now

26 July 2014 9:00 am

As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’.…

David Cameron's misogynistic reshuffle

19 July 2014 9:00 am

The PM doesn’t want the new women in his cabinet to do anything but look nice

I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50

19 July 2014 9:00 am

‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me…

Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?

12 July 2014 9:00 am

‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in…

A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm

5 July 2014 9:00 am

If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base…