Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

I only left Emily unattended in the open for 60 seconds

9 May 2015 9:00 am

In the seemingly endless search for somewhere nice to live in modern Britain, where parking is not subject to martial…

Welcome to Miliband country: how Labour would wreck rural life

2 May 2015 9:00 am

A ‘progressive alliance’ would be a profound threat to rural life

Why I'd never own a rabbit hutch – or vote Green

2 May 2015 9:00 am

‘I suppose,’ said my dad philosophically, ‘I could always vote Green.’ ‘Oh, for goodness sake! Not you as well!’ I…

Maybe it is time to hang up my fighting boots

25 April 2015 9:00 am

As a wise person once said (or if they didn’t, they should have), there is only one thing worse than…

I’m just not cut out to be a local activist

18 April 2015 9:00 am

By and large, I’m not really sure the world is ready for me to join the steering committee of a…

OK, Aviva, that’s well over £1,400 that you owe me

11 April 2015 9:00 am

After I phoned the Aviva call centre for the ten thousandth time, a girl called Adele had to sort it…

Farewell, Cobham — oh flat, boring, lovely Cobham; hello, Dorking

4 April 2015 9:00 am

Farewell then, Cobham. You were the place I ran to when the metropolis became too much, and urban life overwhelmed…

I gave the blasted Paltrow method a go and allowed a bit of conscious uncoupling to creep in

28 March 2015 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I suppose he was bound to move on eventually. I just never thought…

I held my breath ready for the explosion. But no explosion came

21 March 2015 9:00 am

Darcy was obviously listening to every word I said. After we got back from the ride from hell, in which…

A lot of animal lovers go on about how great it is to rescue a horse from the racing industry

14 March 2015 9:00 am

All was going suspiciously well with the thoroughbred. I suppose it had to be the calm before the storm. I…

My life in ailments

7 March 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes was granted in the end. I honestly don’t know why I wanted to…

My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at my GP surgery

28 February 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at the GP surgery. ‘What do you mean?’ said…

Confessions of an insurance junkie

21 February 2015 9:00 am

Never add up your insurance premiums. I just did and the annual cost of all of them came to more…

I wouldn't want to be a girl in the age of Tinder

14 February 2015 9:00 am

Romance is being killed off by the brutal marketplace of dating apps such as Tinder

Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!

14 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…

The Tooting poisoner and the relentless rise of the urban fox

7 February 2015 9:00 am

In my London neighbourhood, an argument about urban foxes is turning very nasty indeed

118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast

7 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…

The dead iPad Sketch

31 January 2015 9:00 am

My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…

I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic

24 January 2015 9:00 am

My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…

I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services

17 January 2015 9:00 am

Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…

Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident

10 January 2015 9:00 am

Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…

Draft and save is as good a New Year’s resolution as any

3 January 2015 9:00 am

Draft and save. That is as good a New Year’s resolution as any. Never send an email or letter in…

Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014

13 December 2014 9:00 am

The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…

How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives

6 December 2014 9:00 am

Whether the high-speed rail line is built or not, it is destroying the retirements of people like my parents

How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize

6 December 2014 9:00 am

After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…