The unAustralian Australian of the Year Awards provide an opportunity on Australia Day to recognise members of the Australian community – governments, corporations, societies, educators, sporting clubs, and individuals whose contribution to Australia over the past 12 months has been as welcome as a vegie burger on a BBQ, as tolerated as a blowfly on a lamb chop, and as appreciated as a Welcome to Country.

This new award, which I propose, seeks to expose those who have, through their thoughtless words or actions, failed to live up to the maxim: ‘If you don’t love it … leave it.’

With no further delay, I will now present my unAustralian Australian of the Year Award for 2024.

In the category of Most unAustralian Australian Action the nominees include:

• Queensland National Parks service for changing the name of Fraser Island to an unpronounceable confection based on limited public consultation and a questionable interpretation of historical facts.
• Parks Australia for ignoring the 150th Anniversary of the first recorded climb of Ayers Rock that took place on July 20 1873.
• The Commonwealth Defence Ministry for ignoring the critical defence of Australia.

And the winner is…

The NSW National Parks and Wildlife Service for its ongoing unjustifiable closure of the walk to the summit of Mt Warning.

The award for Most unAustralian Australian Politician comes with a long list of nominations, but after an all-night discussion the committee whittled it down to just five. The nominees are:

• Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, for ripping the country apart on racial grounds by going ahead with a divisive referendum on the Voice, which was rejected by over 60 per cent of Australians.
• Greens leader Adam Bandt, who has taken out this award a number of times. This time he is nominated for his participation in a protest against fossil fuels in a kayak made of fossil fuels, and for his continued attempts to white ant the country through the application of policies that are as credible as a BOM weather forecast.
• Former Victorian Premier Dan Andrews, for resigning from office thereby cowardly preventing the public from having the pleasure of voting him out.
• NSW Premier Chris Minns, for refusing to light up the sails of the Opera House during the Coronation.

All worthy nominees, but congratulations for the award of Most unAustralian Australian Politician for 2023 goes to a pair of wet liberals.

And the winners are…

Former NSW Environment Ministers Matt Kean and James Griffin for allowing the ongoing closure of the Mt Warning summit track and promising to hand over all National Parks in NSW to Aboriginal Groups. How unAustralian of both of you!

In the category of Most unAustralian Australian Company, the nominees are:

• Woolworths, for its failure to sell Australia Day merchandise in its stores.
• Qantas, for painting ‘Yes’ logos on its planes and favouring one side of the Voice debate.
• Every company that backed the ‘Yes’ case.

And the winner is…

Every company that backed the ‘Yes’ case, which includes Woolies and Qantas, so in the spirit of Woke-ness, everyone’s a winner. 

There was only one nominee for the Most unAustralian Australian Sporting Team for 2024. And the award was won by the Collingwood Football Club for uncharacteristically avoiding the Collywobbles and winning the AFL Premiership, thereby breaking the hearts of millions of non-Collingwood fans across the country.

In the category of unAustralian Australian News Reporting, the nominees are dominated once again by the ABC. From its woeful presentation of the New Year’s Eve fireworks to its biased reporting of The Voice Referendum, it is no surprise that the ABC has won the unAustralian Australian News Reporting Prize without any other contestants warranting a nod.

To the coveted Most UnAustralian Australian Local Government section of the awards. Our nominees are:

• Moreland City Council, for changing its name to Merri-bek.
• Sydney Council for its continued rush to close roads and build bike lanes.
• Tweed Shire Council for its head-in-the-sand approach to the closure of Mt Warning.
• Sunshine Coast Council for rebadging its Australia Day Awards as the Sunshine Coast Biosphere – Community Awards.

No surprise here. The award goes to…

Tweed Shire Council for its head-in-the-sand approach to the closure of one of the Northern NSW’s major tourist draw cards. 

All nominees in the preliminary categories are eligible for the grand prize of UnAustralian Australian of the Year. And the winner of the unAustralian Australian award for 2024 goes to…

Anthony Albanese – maaate – if you don’t love it … get the hell out!