Flat White

The Singapore spectacular

12 June 2018

2:24 PM

12 June 2018

2:24 PM

With the President-for-two-terms of the United States, Donald J Trump and the President-for-life, Kim Jong Un actually in Singapore for their meeting and actually looking forward to making a deal, the media giants had to admit that there was a distinct possibility that a meeting would occur – provided Trump hadn’t wrecked the G6+1 with Canada by imposing tariffs on maple syrup imports.

SBS News was especially concerned that WWIII was starting when it collectively glanced up from watching a soccer match being played in the village of Where-tf, on the Novaya Zemlya island of North Grotski, and caught the outpouring of Canadian rage over the President’s chiding of the dashingly good-looking progeny of  the late Pierre and his then bi-polar wife-who-ran-off-with-a-rock-star, Margaret. SBS immediately updated that the Chicago Futures for maple syrup was as flat as the proverbial.

Your ABC loved that photographic moment, the President seated, arms crossed over his chest, staring blankly past an infuriated, hectoring Mutti Merkel. “Du vill machen vat Ich sage!” she screams (or something phonetically like it), her voice rising to a crescendo, her arm willing itself to rise. “Ich hast never felt so gut,” she whispers. The Japanese Prime Minister looks on, worrying that the German army will again cross the Rhine. Where would that leave Toyota and Nissan, he ponders. John – make peace with force – Bolton stands heroically next to his President, not so much ready to take a bullet as to fire one, but only if absolutely necessary. The left-wing media fume at his passive-aggressive. It is so Reaganesque.

Pardon? asks the President, as if waking from a trance refreshed. He has been drawn back to reality by the screams of an idle Europe dragged unwillingly from the US teet on which it has fed since the end of the war. Act du lieber, Mutti laments. Vat ever gehappened to ze Marshall plan?

But the most telling photograph from the G7 is tagged to the end of the Your ABC story. There a greatly worried Christine La Garde (rien la hyphen) head of the IMF which is responsible financing corruption in Africa and South America, seems to be wondering if she will have a job next week.

The elitist left in the media took up the cudgels on behalf of Germany and Japan and a symbolic maple leaf for Justin Trudeau. Has Trump completely destroyed the West with his threats of tariffs on Mercedes, they fumed? How dare the leader of the free, no-borders world (that’s Europe, if you hadn’t guessed), Angela (with a hard G) Merkel, be disobeyed by this sexist, vulgar, upstart? What impudence, what arrogance!

And just look what Trump did to Justin, they scream. He insulted him. Justin – he doesn’t mind me using his first name because he is young just like his French friend, Emmanuel, and both use first names, because, as tout le monde is equal, there is no distinction between age and youth or wise and unwise for that matter – now, where was I, I know, Justin made a silly mistake of thinking that his youthful bonhomie, that’s French for charm offensive, would so bedazzle a man whose whole life has been in real estate, that he could say one thing today and a different thing tomorrow and not be caught out.

He is destroying everything we in the media stand for. What will be left, the truth? “What is truth?” the New York Times intone, but bias, dissembling and fake news; hear the oracle of Hollywood wisdom, Robert De Niro, he knows; or listen to that other funt of wisdom, Samantha Bee! She’ll swear to it.

Realising that the President was no longer in Canada, the media became agitated at the thought of him disarming North Korea. What forces of destruction will he unleash in Singapore? The ABC’s trusty Singapore gossip chimed in from the Orient, eager to tell her story about shopping with Mr Kim in Orchard Road and Paragon but being forced to talk about the meeting.

So, so, Sophie, tell me about your feelings for the meeting? Will it go well?  Sophie could barely contain her enthusiasm.  No one really knows, she started. But someone must! How do other Singapore people feel about the meeting? Sophie’s answer reflected the depth of the question. ’There’s an air of expectation,’ she ventured which is where she should have stopped. The question that some in the ABC wanted answered was whether Sophie got a selfie with anyone famous, like Denis Rodman? Because you know who got the selfie with Macca, don’t you?

Thankfully, no one mentioned Mr Kim’s red socks. It is rumoured that he refuses to take them off as a mark of respect for his late Uncle Jang Song Thaek who volunteered to be fed to a pack of hungry dogs when the regime’s pet food ration ran out. The source of the rumour at the Washington Post, can’t be named because he is not authorised to speak.

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