Real life
My friend Denise doesn't know where London ends – just when it ends
The look on her face said it all. I can always tell my friend Denise is upset about something when…
Why is campaigning so thankless?
‘Quick, let’s slip one in the menu,’ said the builder, taking a leaflet from my handbag after we had paid…
Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world
‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that…
Finding a job for my cocker spaniel
Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me…
My Chinese water torture
Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who…
I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky
Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And…
My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me
‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop. I had gone in finally to…
Melissa Kite: Why is it easier to go mad than get a refund from a utility company?
‘Hello, I’d like my money back, please,’ I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line.…
Melissa Kite: No more boyfriends for me
Just the three resolutions for me. I am keeping it simple. Number one: no more boyfriends. The definition of insanity…
Melissa Kite: My attempt to parody myself as a scrawny neurotic didn’t tickle Mrs Inglis pink
A very cross letter arrives from someone who wants to tell me I’m a ‘silly woman’. ‘You are a silly…
Melissa Kite’s inventory of life (the ex-boyfriends’ possessions they left behind)
Emmylou Harris and the McGarrigle sisters wrote a song called ‘All I left Behind’. My version is called ‘All They…
Melissa Kite: My journey to despair with Lambeth's bin men
Everything is a journey now, especially if it involves failure. The X Factor rejects, people having disasters as they build…
Melissa Kite: I really didn't mean what I said to my boyfriend while he was in the bath
The builder boyfriend and I have had a terrible row. In the heat of the moment, I said something truly…
Melissa Kite: I don't mean to make the transport secretary run across the Savoy ballroom, really I don't
‘Do you know…?’ said the Tory MP I was sitting next to, as he tried to introduce me to the…
Melissa Kite: aliens have landed in Warwickshire — I’ve seen their spaceship
Like the heroine in Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, I stood in front of it with my mouth open in awe.…
Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers
Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating…
'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting
Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound…
'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'
‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to…
Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism
‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The…
Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people
Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to…
The police give Melissa Kite short shrift
Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young…
Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend
The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each…
Melissa Kite: My horse show shame
‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle.…
Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council
Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of…
Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop
What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again?…
