Real life
My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at my GP surgery
My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at the GP surgery. ‘What do you mean?’ said…
Confessions of an insurance junkie
Never add up your insurance premiums. I just did and the annual cost of all of them came to more…
Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!
‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…
118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast
‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…
The dead iPad Sketch
My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…
I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic
My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…
I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services
Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…
Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident
Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…
Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014
The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…
How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize
After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…
Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’
The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…
If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area
Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…
My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace
Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…
Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?
What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…
Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?
After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…
I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott
My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…
Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?
As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…
Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs
A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…
Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.
A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…
If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?
After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…
Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist
‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…
These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them
Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…
Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?
‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table.…