Real life
Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?
What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…
Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?
After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…
I tried to escape the confines of Balham in Oxshott
My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…
Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?
As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not…
Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs
A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up…
Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.
A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from…
If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?
After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward…
Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist
‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back…
These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them
Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would…
Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?
‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table.…
Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture
Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another…
The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple
The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism…
Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?
A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before,…
The only woman who can make me lie
With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this.…
One day I was always going to have to eat quinoa. It might as well be now
As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’.…
I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50
‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me…
Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?
‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in…
A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm
If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base…
I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet
The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course…
To the eco-warrior on the moped...
‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s…
Volvo 1; Melissa Kite: 0
‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the…
Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site
‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was…
How I finished writing my novel
In the end, I threw my mobile phone into a sack of Chudley’s dog biscuits. It was the only way…
A&E is no place for the over-tens
‘Ouch!’ said the ex-builder boyfriend. ‘I think something’s bitten me.’ And a few seconds after that, something bit me too.…
The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp…
