Real life
Real life
Andy the tech guy looked delighted when I told him I had done the stupidest thing ever. He is one…
My podgy thumbs will never be iPhone-compatible
You can’t always get what you want. And you can never get what you want if you want a phone…
Real life
You can’t always get what you want. And you can never get what you want if you want a phone…
My rich leftie neighbours must be in a state of psychotic denial — or stoned
The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing…
Real life
The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing…
I only left Emily unattended in the open for 60 seconds
In the seemingly endless search for somewhere nice to live in modern Britain, where parking is not subject to martial…
Why I'd never own a rabbit hutch – or vote Green
‘I suppose,’ said my dad philosophically, ‘I could always vote Green.’ ‘Oh, for goodness sake! Not you as well!’ I…
Maybe it is time to hang up my fighting boots
As a wise person once said (or if they didn’t, they should have), there is only one thing worse than…
I’m just not cut out to be a local activist
By and large, I’m not really sure the world is ready for me to join the steering committee of a…
OK, Aviva, that’s well over £1,400 that you owe me
After I phoned the Aviva call centre for the ten thousandth time, a girl called Adele had to sort it…
Farewell, Cobham — oh flat, boring, lovely Cobham; hello, Dorking
Farewell then, Cobham. You were the place I ran to when the metropolis became too much, and urban life overwhelmed…
I gave the blasted Paltrow method a go and allowed a bit of conscious uncoupling to creep in
The builder boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I suppose he was bound to move on eventually. I just never thought…
I held my breath ready for the explosion. But no explosion came
Darcy was obviously listening to every word I said. After we got back from the ride from hell, in which…
A lot of animal lovers go on about how great it is to rescue a horse from the racing industry
All was going suspiciously well with the thoroughbred. I suppose it had to be the calm before the storm. I…
My life in ailments
My request to see my medical notes was granted in the end. I honestly don’t know why I wanted to…
My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at my GP surgery
My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at the GP surgery. ‘What do you mean?’ said…
Confessions of an insurance junkie
Never add up your insurance premiums. I just did and the annual cost of all of them came to more…
Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!
‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…
118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast
‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…
The dead iPad Sketch
My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…
I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic
My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…
I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services
Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…
Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident
Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…
Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014
The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…