Real life
Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture
Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another…
The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple
The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism…
Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?
A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before,…
The only woman who can make me lie
With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this.…
One day I was always going to have to eat quinoa. It might as well be now
As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’.…
I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50
‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me…
Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?
‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in…
A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm
If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base…
I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet
The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course…
To the eco-warrior on the moped...
‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s…
Volvo 1; Melissa Kite: 0
‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the…
Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site
‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was…
How I finished writing my novel
In the end, I threw my mobile phone into a sack of Chudley’s dog biscuits. It was the only way…
A&E is no place for the over-tens
‘Ouch!’ said the ex-builder boyfriend. ‘I think something’s bitten me.’ And a few seconds after that, something bit me too.…
The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp…
Herbal remedies for horses? I'm half tempted to try them myself...
You know you’ve been irreversibly sucked into the ninth circle of horse-owning hell when you find yourself perusing an equine…
Must every man take spring off to give birth?
Really, I do wish people would stagger their baby-making. Absolutely every professional person whose services I have required in the…
Like a Volvo, I start predicting disaster long before it happens
The mechanic hooked the Volvo up to his special laptop. He had kindly offered to come to me in order…
Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise
‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying…
My Volvo has turned into a monster
The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me…
'I assembled a counter full of sharp objects, and went at it like Rambo in First Blood'
All the way around a cross country course I went, then I got back, tied the horse up at a…
I accidentally bought a racehorse. Would you like to join a syndicate?
This horse-rearing business is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought an eight-month-old…
The girl who hadn't heard of the Berlin Wall
‘Question 2. In which year did the Berlin Wall come down?’ shouted the quizmaster. And then he repeated this with…
Help! My gay best friend is cheating on me
My gay best friend is cheating on me with another woman. I saw him with her the other day and…
David Cameron is sending me begging letters
A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote…
