Flat White

When Adam Bandt is your MP and the Labor alternative looks barely legal

29 April 2019

8:15 PM

29 April 2019

8:15 PM

It’s easy at referenda to write “YES we have NO bananas” but the green Reps ballot paper doesn’t give as much scope for anarchistic artistic or literary expression as the vast metre-long blank canvass proffered by the red Senate slate.

Here the AEC generously provides just enough white space — both above and below the line — to complete either a replica of the Bayeux Tapestry that depicts the Norman invasion of England in 1066; and/or the squiggly bit of Arabic script for the full name of the Prophet Muhammad complete with the exhortation “may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon Him” that strangely has no proper equivalent in English.

Whatever floats your boat. Inner-Melbourne Adam Bandtustan hipsters may have some difficulty adjusting to the reality that neither is the ballot paper an active screen nor the pencil a digital stylus. Ask the friendly AEC to help you plug-in your ballot paper. They are paid by the hour so are guaranteed to give you endless assistance with your remedial running writing skills.

My personal Senate favourite is the ginormous dick and balls drawing (with self-provided thick chisel-point marker pen) that extends (slowly for the scrutineers delight because of the careful concertina folded by the erector elector) the full width and length of the universal suffrage document. It sends a clear message to Canberra about your voter intentions toward the totally useless upper house of the new 46th Parliament of the Commonwealth.

This graphic how-to-vote-informal card is known as the “Point Percy at Parliament” card. It is named after an actual campaign conducted last century by the inebriated denizens of Percy Jones’ Bar in Lygon Street, Carlton, to get their hapless publican into the Victorian Parliament. He didn’t get it up but the slogan was a work of genius.

Don’t let the more squeezy, smaller Reps ballot paper cramp either your creativity or style to vote Woke Informal.

Here’s the Rubik’s cube algorithm facing electors seeking to flee three-more-years of living hell in Dr Adam’s inner Melbourne Marxist-Leninist Bandtustan. Labor came third to the Die Grunen and the Liberals in this former bulwark for “The Light on the Hill” Party. Now a vote for the ALP only helps to swell Die Grunen’s 2PP vote over the Libs (currently 19 per cent).

2019 Candidates in Ballot Paper Order (7 Candidates)

Candidate Name Party
RYAN Judy Reason Australia
BANDT Adam The Greens (VIC)
BLAKE Dave Independent
POPE Lawrence Animal Justice Party
SHERSON Lauren Liberal
CREASEY Luke Australian Labor Party
PECORA Tony United Australia Party

Yes, it’s no wonder Jesus wept! I don’t fancy any of them so I’m not going to put one in any of their boxes. All seven blowhards will get a zero from me and I’ll write-in the name FAWKES, Guido (under the name of PECORA, Tony) and give him my primo numero.

We all know that Guy Fawkes, the Catholic Guy, was the only man ever to enter Parliament with honest intentions.

Please remember that whoever you vote for on May 18, a politician of dubious parentage and morality will be elected to represented you in the 46th Parliament.

**************************

So the job’s done. I proceeded this morning to formally vote Woke Informal at the early polling booth opposite the Queen Victoria Market.

Evviva Guido e il anarchismo e la libertà!

QED.

Terence Maher is a former editor of The Melbourne Times

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