Flat White

Some sweet and sour takeaways for educational happiness

2 February 2019

6:16 PM

2 February 2019

6:16 PM

With Scot Morrison on the way out, Bill Shorten on the way in, and the economy on the way down, the recently announced reduction in interest rates seems to presage a renewed resolve by the lever-pullers to keep the economic stew bubbling on the stove; even if the meat is mostly soy steak, the potatoes rice and the beef stock now a delicate fish sauce.

But that change is only to be expected. I have written previously on the policy of immigration-led growth that the Australian political parties have adopted as globalism runs out of steam. The major focus of that policy was to bring wealthy Chinese consumers to Australia from mainland China and Hong Kong who must have as a bare minimum, the phonic ability to raise their hand at an auction and to pay with the folding kind when asked.

The Commonwealth Treasury has also been behind the sale of the education model of economic growth to the children of the wealthy few of China and Hong Kong. You may wonder why they buy Australian education when they can see what it has done to this country. The answer, of course, is the opportunity for permanent residence and the hope of bringing their elderly relatives to visit Melbourne’s ever-growing Chinatown where they will think they have never left home.

The education growth model, however, has been under serious attack from certain conservative academics who object to being obliged to say nice things about China. Acknowledging that the loss of these students might plunge universities into financial recession and threaten a major source of ALP support, the ALP has recently been conducting some focus group research on a policy that will address that problem.

I have been advised by a senior ALP figure – who wished to remain anonymous as she was only authorised to spread rumours – that a Shorten Labor Government would act immediately on being sworn in to implement its new policy, one designed to make all Chinese students feel at home on Australian university campuses. The policy is so clever, it’s a wonder I didn’t think of it first, my source advises Mr Shorten said.

Simply put, all Australian universities would change their names by the addition of the word, ‘Chinese’ as a prefix to their names. Thus, for example, the following universities will be known as Chinese University of Sydney (CUS), Chinese University of Melbourne (CUM), Chinese University of Queensland (CUQ) and the Chinese University of the Northern Territory.

That should do the trick, she said.

David Long is a retired solicitor, economist and PhD candidate at Griffith University, School of Law.

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