‘We were always an odd couple. I’m a man, she’s a woman — it was never going to work.’‘We were always an odd couple. I’m a man, she’s a woman — it was never going to work.’

Bar

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘Stop calling us ugly and we’ll stop inflicting emotional child abuse.’

Cinderella

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Warning

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘My job title doesn’t really reflect what I do.’

Title

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘What’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your phone.’

Phone

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Psychologist

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘Sure saves on a wedding photographer.’

Wedding

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘I feel it only fair to warn you that from this point on your life will change for ever.’

Shoes

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Mp

5 April 2014 9:00 am

‘There’s only one sanction Putin will respond to – we must throw Russia out of the Eurovision Song Contest immediately.’

Eurovision

29 March 2014 9:00 am

Booty

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Congratulations! It’s a jobless young person.’

Jobless

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Men — they’re all the same.’

Burka

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘We’ll start with a pub and a bingo hall.’

Osborne

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘I’m in for assaulting Ant, but it’s a case of mistaken identity — I thought it was Dec.’

Dec

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Dad, can I borrow the pension pot for the weekend?’

Pensioner

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘I’m bravely taking a make-up-free selfie.’

Clowns

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Night, night. Sleep tight.’

Tramps

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘I do wish you wouldn’t look at the outside world — you know it only upsets you.’

Outside

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘And verily I say to you, go forth and multitask.’

Multitask

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘It’s Zok here from the “human abduction team”. Do we have disabled access facilities?’

Aliens

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Anti-smoking propaganda has really hardened.’

Smoking

29 March 2014 9:00 am

Cable

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘I make it 8.36.’

Unicorns

29 March 2014 9:00 am

‘Mum, Dad — I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, name withheld for legal reasons’

Boyfriend

29 March 2014 9:00 am