Trigger warning: the following article may contain satire. 

Before he boarded a private jet to make the journey from Sydney to Byron Bay last week, actor, sometime superhero and all-round woke celebrity Chris Hemsworth previewed the theme song for his new TV venture, Celebrity Climate Change Club. 

Modelled on the 1950s classic The Mickey Mouse Club, Celebrity Climate Change Club is aimed at ‘green teens’, though it’s hard to imagine there’s any other kind in 2021. It will maintain the variety show format, featuring newsreels (of climate rallies), cartoons, music and comedy segments (although, as climate change is such a serious issue, these will NOT be funny).  And, since this is the 21st-century traditional roles have been flipped on their heads. The cast, who will be known as the Gretateers, will be sincere, worthy and hardly-ever-hypocritical celebrity climate justice advocates and the co-host roles will be filled by teen and pre-teen climate activists advising the adults in the room. 

Speculation about the identity of the Gretateers has been rife, with names like Hemsworth’s co-star and fellow private jet –hopping activist pal, Matt Damon, being bandied about. Other suggestions include serial private jetsetter and Davos darling Leonardo DiCaprio; Mr ‘zero emissions’ and co-owner of the world’s largest operator of jet bases, Bill Gates;  and US Special Presidential Envoy for Climate and private jet owner, John Kerry.  

Suggestions to cover the diversity angle include Hemsworth’s TED talk partner, actor, Priyanka Chopra Jonas, and singer John Legend and his wife, model Chrissie Tiegen, whose climate activism creds include last year’s 1,000 mile round trip in a luxury private jet for Valentine’s Day dinner and this year’s trip to President Biden’s inauguration.  

There’s even been talk that the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, keen for an acting gig that aligns with her priorities, is considering an offer, while Elliott (the actor formerly known as Ellen) Page could fill the non-binary position on the team. One source breathlessly mentioned the ‘O’ word dream team who may be able to fit in some guest appearances between their Netflix documentaries. Watch this space. 

Other big news is that the role of the series resident scientist ‘Professor Wonderful’ (made famous on the Mickey Mouse Club by Professor Julius Sumner Miller) will be played by Greta groupie, Sir David Frederick Attenborough. All the boxes ticked then. 

Hemsworth was strictly mum about the names of other Celebrity Climate Change Club cast members but he did give a sneak peek of the Gretateers’ headgear, which he donned for his impromptu performance.  No rodent ears for these Greta fanbois and girls: they will instead be wearing stylized wigs with Greta’s signature plaits. Cute as! It’s also reported that they’ve been told to work on their best how-dare-you, gimlet-eyed looks of outrage. Should be a cinch for these professional poseurs.  

But it’s the catchy theme song that we know you’re just dying to hear. Unfortunately there was a problem with the recording of Chris’s version, but here are the inspiring lyrics: 

Greta’s the leader of the club that’s great publicity!
C-L-I-M-A-T-E  C-H-A-N-G-E!
Hey there, Hi there, Ho there! Rules for you but not for me!
C-L-I-M-A-T-E  C-H-A-N-G-E!

Climate Change! (We’re celebs!)
Climate Change! (You’re the plebs!)
Forever let us lecture you from on high!

Come along and sing the song, embrace hypocrisy!
C-L-I-M-A-T-E  C-H-A-N-G-E!