Flat White

‘If you don’t want to be kicked in the head, don’t put your head under a jackboot. It’s not only selfish, it’s stupid.’  

15 September 2020

7:30 PM

15 September 2020

7:30 PM

Drongo alert: what follows is satire.

Victorian strongman Daniel Andrews yesterday dismissed anger over the state’s harsh lockdown as a small number of “selfish and stupid” citizens making a fuss over human rights.

Dictator Dan was responding to questions about heavy-handed police tactics used to enforce rules to restrict the spread of Covid-19.

“All of this can be avoided if people don’t protest. Because protest is not only selfish, it’s stupid,” he said. 

“In fact, you’d be surprised at how much can be avoided if people stop insisting on their personal freedoms. Because insisting on human rights is not only selfish, it’s stupid.”

He pointed to successful dictatorships in North Korea and China as examples of what could be achieved when people kept quiet and did as they were told.

“What matters is human life, not human rights,” he said, without explaining what sort of life one was expected to live when working or even leaving your front door had been made criminal offences.

When asked about police handcuffing and arresting a pregnant woman over a Facebook post, Dictator Dan said he had not seen the footage.

“I’ve been too focused on the supercomputer modelling,” he said. “But everyone understands you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

“Let me be very clear. All of this can be avoided if people don’t object to anything we are doing. Because objecting – especially on Facebook where everyone can see it – is selfish, objecting is stupid and objecting is dangerous.


“No objection, regardless of what rules we impose, is safe or responsible at this time. Or at any time in the foreseeable future, by which I mean ever.”

He said he did not want to comment directly on reports that a man had been run over by a police car and then kicked in the head while he was on the ground, adding he had not seen the footage.

“But I can say safely say that none of these incidents will occur if comrades stay locked in their homes.

“And if you don’t want to be kicked in the head, don’t put your head under a jackboot. It’s not complicated.”  

Meanwhile, an exasperated senior police officer blasted “selfish people who keep going on and on about their civil rights like it’s their, you know, right”.

Assistant Commission Cornelius Wiggum said people had nothing to fear from police as long as they stayed in their homes, wore masks and didn’t criticise the government.

He denied that the police force had been politicised under Dictator Dan.

“Those who criticise the Dear Leader are batshit crazy vomiting dogs returning to their tinfoil hats,” he said. 

Critics of Dictator Dan’s response to the Coronavirus have pointed out that only Wuhan has had experienced tighter restrictions than Melbourne. 

“I regret that,” Dictator Dan told reporters. “I hate it when China out Chinas me.”

He continued to insist he did not recall who was responsible for suggesting the 8.00 pm curfew which has upset so many Victorians. 

“Decision are made by groups of experts and I can’t necessarily pinpoint for you the exact expert and the exact moment that it was suggested. This is one of the beauties of the socialist collective,” he said. 

“But I think it’s safe to say that all of this remembering can be avoided if people don’t keep going on about accountability,” he said. “It’s selfish and it’s stupid.  

“And the fuss over recalling parliament could also be avoided if people stop insisting on checks and balances to my power. That too is selfish and stupid.”

Meanwhile, Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk — speaking after internal polling confirmed that enough people supported the border closure for her to win the upcoming election — said she would be prepared to lose the upcoming election before opening the border.

She might be selfish, but she’s not stupid.

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