Flat White

Chairman Mao wiped out the sparrows, Chairman Dan will purge the ronas…

24 June 2020

6:25 PM

24 June 2020

6:25 PM

In a bold attempt to prove his worthiness and loyalty to Chinese strongman XiXi The Pooh, Chairman Daniel Andrews issued a decree earlier today announcing the lockdown of certain ethnic minorities in the capital of Danandrewstan.

Hunchback Number One denies the move is an attempt to stifle the burgeoning Uighur community. However, Chairman Dan has refused to rule out the possibility of adding security fences and establishing “re-education” centres in affected communities.


“It is clear that many still need re-education” the Chairman declared, “There are some among us that still believe that Cook’s Cottage in Fitzroy Gardens should not be burnt to the ground and refuse to accept that Deputy Chief Health Officer Annelise van Diemen is a historian far more deserving of an Order of Lenin than Manning Clarke.”

Chairman Dan moved quickly to send in the troops, with union heavies already going door-to-door in affected areas with his message. However, speculation is rising about the effectiveness of this measure. “It appears that Adem Somyurek has already been through these parts and the people remain loyal to him,” one fearful apparatchik told Fake News on condition of anonymity. 

Rumours are circulating of tanks gathering on Treasury Place, by the Premier’s Office, for an assault on the dissident local government areas.

They will, however, first have to travel through councils controlled by the Greens or nimbys to reach the target areas. “If they block the bikeways, they’re not coming along Brunswick Street,” a spokesobject of no firm gender from the City of Yarra told Fake News.

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