Flat White

And in news just in from the People’s Republic of Victoria…

29 May 2020

5:36 PM

29 May 2020

5:36 PM

Dissidents in the PRV have released advance drafts of a letter, written by Chairman Andrews to President Xi, to celebrate the signing of the Bridge agreement. The letter outlines four key areas in which the PRV has already aligned itself with China, in advance of the historic signing. Andrews cites the Uyghurs, Hong Kong, Red Shirts and Winnie the Pooh as the lodestones that will guide their ongoing relationship with the Chinese government. 

Andrews writes that the PRV stands in solidarity with China’s Central Committee in trying to wipe out the insidious influence of the evil Uyghurs. The Uyghurs, an ethnic Muslim minority from the Xingjiang Autonomous Region in China’s north-west, have been reported to have been engaging in terrible atrocities.  

A number of Uyghurs have apparently been selling their organs, albeit for no money and against their will, to wealthy Chinese in large cities. This is despite the benevolence of the Chinese Government providing 85 large housing estates, complete with security fences and watchtowers, for their protection. The government is also providing free education (and even re-education) to all million or so Uyghurs living in these luxury resorts. 

In pledging his support PRV Chairman Andrews has offered to allow the Chinese government to resettle many of the Uyghurs to Victoria. “They can be housed at the MCG and various golf courses around the state as these are not being used at the moment and will not be for the foreseeable future”. 

He has also pledged to assist with the destruction of democracy in Hong Kong and suggests he may even have some ideas based on personal experience. “I believe we can be a real asset in this fight. In a few short years we have progressed well along the path to destroying democracy in Victoria. We are comfortably in control of law enforcement, the courts and even the media. We have successfully increased secrecy surrounding everything we do by prevented the publishing of reports and blocking as many FOI requests as we can.”  

Andrews also cites as evidence a number of recent Victorian court decisions, “We are now at the stage where we do not need evidence to gain a conviction. We advertise publicly for people to report on others and when citizens come forward the police are always there to help them remember exactly what happened, how and when. The media have been on our side the whole way, in fact, they vigorously criticise anyone who suggests there might be an injustice occurring. I am going to offer a few of the more proactive journalists jobs as senior members of our new secret moral police force. They are perfect for the role. They are not squeamish when it comes to the re-education of the masses. 

The PRV chairman also suggested he had “re-instituted” the famous ALP “red-shirt” brigade in homage to President Xi. “We need to show we can continue to act without consequence, with total impunity. Besides, Annaliese van Diemen, my deputy chief health officer and stalwart Twitter warrior for revolution, looks wickedcool in red”. 

Finally, Andrews has backed comments by senior Chinese diplomats suggesting that Chairman Xi does not look like Winnie the Pooh at all. “I cannot understand how the turtle-spawn from South Park could even draw the comparison. Xi is not Pooh-like at all. Suggestions he looks like Winnie the Pooh are outrageous!” 

Chairman Andrews then signs off his missive in a manner meant to indicate his warmth towards President Xi: “I shall remain, dear Comrade, yours sincerely — and may your sorghum harvest be bountiful”.  

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