Flat White

The new Big Day Out

2 December 2018

2:11 PM

2 December 2018

2:11 PM

Hi mum, just got back from the Parliament House climate change protest.

Protesting is just like Schoolies Week with lots of us getting shitfaced on orange juice and dietary supplements. There are hot boys in security uniforms though some of them may be fat and 65 years old and someone non-partisan with a bullhorn screaming ‘Vote Bill’ who looks like he’s from a boy band but may just be a trade union activist trying to show us how the whole stranger danger thing works.

Yesterday we visited the Democracy Museum. We saw Julie Bishop’s red shoes and they are really cool. She is like Glinda the good witch in Wizard of Oz who can fix everything just by smiling, surrounding herself with dwarves and not remaining on camera too long.

Mr Pol Pot our ‘Stop Adani and anti-bullying therapist’ says the tornado in Oz is the result of climate change just like the sharks in Sharknado though this can’t be right as Ms Mao Zedong told me it was caused by the fracking out on Oval Three just near the cricket nets where she had chained herself during her annual teacher in-service day protest.

Guess what? We even have Canberra toolies here which is a combination of schoolies and teachers – you know where grown adults and union officials hover around kids and take advantage of them by making them march in unison while carrying the Papier Mache head of Scott Morrison we made in Art class with Mr Trotsky and all the boys who can’t play sport.

My friend Timmy went on the Today Show this morning to talk about the protest and got to speak to Karl who is becoming more feminist every time I see him (is this even possible?). Mr Engels our visual studies tutor (Gulag cinema 1925-40) says Karl is feminism’s answer to Richard Wilkins (4 stars).


Forget Karl though – all of us would much rather go on The Project and have Lisa Wilkinson explain to us yet again exactly how Pamela Anderson is a feminist role model. The Project may not have Karl or Dicky but it does have Waleed Aly nodding furiously in agreement every time she speaks. Nobody does agreeing with each other like a Project panel except when Steve Price is on it.

I was just chatting with Mr Putin our English teacher who has just got his working with children pass back after that fat shaming incident last year. Having lost 30 kilos parents feel it is safe for him to be near children again.

He wants to get rid of all those Jane Austen novels in Year 10 as they will just lead to celibacy and wants to replace them with Pamela’s greatest activist works including – Red bikini scene Baywatch Season Five (Mitch breaks up with Carol), Sex Yacht video (Tommy Lee gets an erection but then is disappointed) and Playboy Pet editions 1990 and 1993 (Mr Kerensky says this captures both the vital pre and post breast enhancements phases of the Bay Watch Canon (800 words or less – compare).

Going to a non-partisan protest is fun. You get to sing non-partisan songs like ‘ScoMo, got to go’ and you get to march in straight lines while being screamed at through a bullhorn by a non-partisan socialist in a fluoro vest just like at a private school assembly.

You know that thing I used to do when I was three years old, when I would sit on the floor of Target and refuse to move and scream until you bought me that heavily discounted Mechanical Engineer Barbie that none of the other girls wanted because she doesn’t get to wear a sash? Well, protesting is just like that except instead of being sent to my room like a spoilt brat I get hugged by a member of GetUp! and pushed in front of a camera so some Toolie television reporter can tell me that I am the future and ask why I can’t vote.

This is very good for my self-esteem (so Dr Caldicott tells me).

Love you

Hermione (aged 5)

As told to Michael Scammell who is 12 years old

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