Real life
When people say ‘do your bit for your country’ what they mean is ‘do your bit for my holiday’
Trying to get hold of HRT in the time of Covid is like trying to score crack. Possibly, scoring crack…
Our doctor’s surgery is beginning to look like a Category A penitentiary
When the time came for the nurse to ring me to take my blood pressure, the phone simply didn’t ring.…
‘Protect the NHS’ is all very well, but when will the NHS protect us?
After refusing to issue my HRT without a blood pressure test, the GP surgery rang to offer me an appointment.…
How not to walk a dog
Watching a woman driving a dog past my house like a carthorse is just another ‘new normal’ of lockdown. This…
The ugly truth about natural horsemanship
The rope riders came down the driveway slowly, their horses veering this way and that, side to side, forwards a…
Why I’ve gone right off the police
‘Welcome to Victims First. Please leave your name and number and we will return your call. Beeeeeeeeeeeep!’ I had rung…
Lockdown is making a criminal of me
‘Have you had your jab, Margery?’ said one Surrey lady to another in the queue for take-away coffee at the…
The curse of semi-invisible road signs
‘We’re sorry your experience with us has not been a good one,’ said the press officer at Surrey Police. ‘You…
Beware the hobby bobby
‘Anything you say may be given in evidence. Do you have anything to say?’ I looked at the baby-faced police…
The mystical power of the word ‘unsafe’
The street light as bright as the Dog Star was fitted with a shield, and I was assigned my own…
My quest for the perfect bean burger
Eventually, I got so bored I ended up at Burger King. For no other reason than to amuse myself one…
Had the kitchen shop assistant been drugged and handcuffed?
The kitchen tap began dripping as if it knew perfectly well that this would land me in a predicament whereby…
Surrey county council has abolished night time
An everlasting lightbulb brighter than the Dog Star was installed in the street lamp outside my house one morning as…
What’s a squashed dog between neighbours?
Not long after he took on a smallholding for his cobs, the builder boyfriend found a couple walking through his…
Join me for weekly Scream If You’re Going Round The Bend
Never mind Clap for Carers, I’m trying to start a new weekly morale booster called Scream If You’re Going Round…
What parking disputes have taught me about Brexit
Our battle with the EU has given me an insight into the parking disputes outside my house. Or is it…
Come back, doggers, all is forgiven
Bring back the men having sex in the undergrowth. This was the thought that occurred to me and my friend…
Why it pays to be rude to ramblers
If the novelty of going for a walk doesn’t wear thin for the marauding masses soon, I am going to…
Was endorsing Boris one of my worst misjudgments ever?
Now that our social lives are a Venn diagram that only mathematicians can understand I am officially becoming a recluse.…
Why animals’ names matter
Pretty Man was a plump white pony in the forefront of a sad picture. The photograph showed the seizure by…
The strange case of the ‘alleged bonfire’
The council has told me that what I saw was an ‘alleged bonfire’. When I described flames towering into the…
Where’s the slogan saying ‘Lose Weight. Stop Boozing. Survive the virus!’?
Panic at the country feed store. Panic in the horse and pony aisle. I wonder to myself: could life ever…
How do we stop the Lycra dads using our stable yard as a toilet?
The cyclist pulled into our gateway, got off his bike and grabbed hold of the electric fencing. Installing game cameras,…
My confusing life on the border of Tiers 1 and 2
As I scoffed down a fabulous supper in a candlelit room full of ecstatic diners, it struck me that this…
I removed my mask and all hell broke loose
The girl in the posh soap shop put her right arm out, palm flat in my face, and shouted: ‘Stand…
