Real life
![[Photo: Alasdair Thomson]](https://www.spectator.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/26Octreallife.jpg?w=410&h=275&crop=1)
Was our nut-infested plane a death trap?
‘This is your captain speaking, welcome aboard this flight to London Gatwick. As there is a passenger on our flight…
In the middle of our holiday came the phone call I was dreading
Just before Tara left us, the old chestnut mare used to enjoy standing at the bottom gate watching the sun…
My bid to boost my carbon footprint
Inspired by Harry and Meghan I decided to get on a plane. I hadn’t been anywhere for so long it…
Should I return to the land of my Italian ancestors?
When I was growing up, my Italian grandfather was my favourite person. He taught me to play a mean game…
The rise of the Brexitainers
The Union Jack is flying on the front of my house. After a long discussion with the local council, planning…
![Do I need planning permission to fly a Union Flag on my house? [Photo: coldsnowstorm]](https://www.spectator.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/21Septreallife.jpg?w=410&h=275&crop=1)
What Brexiteers can teach Remoaners about good manners
‘If we are going to Westminster to riot,’ I told my Brexit-voting friends over dinner at the Thai restaurant at…
Pet health insurance is a scam
‘The reason vets are so expensive now,’ explained the vet in her snazzy green uniform, ‘is because we can do…
How it feels to be the only Brexiteers in the village
We are the only Brexiteers in the village. That, at least, is how it feels. Out they come, the far…
The EU has banned a miracle cure for laminitis
Once upon a time, in a country that didn’t run itself, a horse supplement company invented a cure for laminitis.…
A mysterious case of fly-tipping immunity
When is fly-tipping not fly-tipping? I think I can explain, now the pile of rubble has finally moved from the…
I’ve always enjoyed myself on Wayfair – but this time I’ve had enough
One thing Lorraine Kelly does not say in the Wayfair advert is: ‘What if I fancy getting my money back…
The travellers could teach the locals a thing or two about being responsible citizens
The travellers were blamed for fly-tipping when all that was left on the common after they went back up north…
The village fête has been cancelled due to an ‘unauthorised incursion’
The village fête had to be cancelled because of what they called an ‘incursion’ on to the green. The way…
Nut jobs like me can’t process misfortune in a calm way
‘Ah well, it can’t be helped,’ said the builder boyfriend. I call people who talk like that civilians. Nut jobs…
Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?
For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…
Not going to the osteopath cured me
Not going to the osteopath worked a treat. Walking out of that surgery after hearing the crunching coming from inside…
Is my osteopath a psychopath or a mystical healer?
Either the osteopath is a psychopath or he is the second coming. I see no other possibility. I turned up…
You can tell a Remainer by their garden fence
Remainers don’t like borders, I get that. But I had always assumed this was a preference confined to geopolitics. I…
This prospective lodger was clearly barking mad
‘Take a seat,’ said the prospective lodger as we stood in my dining room. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand,’ I…
My planning permission hell
When is planning permission for four loft windows actually planning permission for two? Or simultaneously vice versa? It’s a very…
The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war
No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…
The NHS clearly wishes I would just naff off
The receptionist fixed me with a withering stare. I had just filled out a repeat prescription form and politely inquired…
My little lodger has been stolen from me
‘Farewell then, little lodger. I wish you would stay for ever but I understand that girls in their early twenties…
Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne
‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…
I’ve reached scandal saturation point
A letter before action, or something that looked very much like it, arrived on my doormat from an insurance company.…
