Real life
The Lycra louts are back
‘That will be £7.50 please,’ said the girl in the bakery to the cyclist in black Lycra after he put…
Why farming needs Ben Wallace
My phone buzzed and rang while I was doing the horses until I thought, fine, I’ll call the Defence Secretary…
The builder and I are done with Surrey
As he grouted the last tile, five years after the bathroom was finished, I knew the game was up. ‘I…
A boiler service, spaghetti western-style
The British Gas engineers arrived in convoy, and the dust from their tyres flew into the air as they came…
How I got one over on the chat bot
‘Your service contract has been completed,’ said someone or something from British Gas, in the chat box on its website.…
Rewilding will kill Waitrose
‘Do you care about the woodland? Do you care about the wildlife?’ shouted the bearded Woodland Trust volunteer from his…
I demand my right to night
The LED streetlamp outside my house was fitted with a ‘compromise’ shield acceptable to a vegan that looked as if…
Why I don’t do WhatsApp
If I could ban one question ever being asked of me again it would be: ‘Are you on WhatsApp?’ I…
The house names of Surrey tell a sad story
If you want to understand Surrey, look at the house names. Keepers’ Copse, Meadow View, Weavers, Highfields… What do all…
The village parking wars have taken an ugly turn
The dynamics of the village can only be understood with reference to what’s happening to the parking. Unless you study…
The politics of horse muck
‘You coming to help us poo pick?’ said my friend Terry, in a desperate sounding voice message. The builder boyfriend…
Are iPhones sending women gaga?
The girl wound down her window, stuck her mobile phone out into midair, and started to take pictures of the…
It’s not cruel to shout at dogs
‘Missing Dog, Please Do Not Call, Chase or Try To Grab Her!! She Will Run!!’ This notice, featuring the face…
An extraordinary fracas at the vet
After rushing our little spaniel to the veterinary hospital on the usual bank holiday emergency basis upon which all animals…
Why I won’t be following the new equine vaccine regime
When the vet had finished giving my horses their annual flu boosters, she reminded me the vaccination regime had changed.…
Bring back Nancy
The bank was having Transgender Visibility Day when I popped in to deposit some cash.The stressed-looking customers, meanwhile, seemed mostly…
Would my godson survive an afternoon with me?
My friend Emily, who once got an owl stuck to her hand, was bringing her son for a day with…
Covid has given me a superpower
Since recovering from Covid, I seem to have quietly been developing supernatural powers. At first I thought I had simply…
Is ours the oddest high street in the land?
The window of the new shop was as brightly coloured as a circus entrance, and stuffed full of items bearing…
I stink at virtue signalling
The lodger looked at me blankly and pronounced wearily, as though intoning something he was tired of parroting, that I…
The surreal purgatory of A&E
‘This is my father, and his pronoun is he,’ said the builder boyfriend, checking his dad into Accident and Emergency.…
The politics of trees
Trees glorious trees. People can’t get enough of them. They don’t want to take care of trees, they just want…
Every village needs a kebab shop
‘A diary?’ said the lady in the chintzy gift shop, pronouncing the word very much as Edith Evans said ‘handbag’…
Insurance is like a toxic love affair
‘Do you have any questions?’ said the man at the insurance company after an hour of me trying to take…
I’m stuck in Surrey, get me outta here!
After most of Islington moved to Wales, it was foolish of me to think about following. But the need to…
