Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Credit: whitemay

The travellers could teach the locals a thing or two about being responsible citizens

10 August 2019 9:00 am

The travellers were blamed for fly-tipping when all that was left on the common after they went back up north…

No village fête for us this year!

The village fête has been cancelled due to an ‘unauthorised incursion’

3 August 2019 9:00 am

The village fête had to be cancelled because of what they called an ‘incursion’ on to the green. The way…

When a Mercedes hits a Volvo, something’s got to give

Nut jobs like me can’t process misfortune in a calm way

27 July 2019 9:00 am

‘Ah well, it can’t be helped,’ said the builder boyfriend. I call people who talk like that civilians. Nut jobs…

Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?

20 July 2019 9:00 am

For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…

Not going to the osteopath cured me

13 July 2019 9:00 am

Not going to the osteopath worked a treat. Walking out of that surgery after hearing the crunching coming from inside…

Was this guy a mystical healer or was he addicted to crunching people’s bones? Credit: Fox Photos / Stringer/Getty Images

Is my osteopath a psychopath or a mystical healer?

6 July 2019 9:00 am

Either the osteopath is a psychopath or he is the second coming. I see no other possibility. I turned up…

Forget Boris. What about Jeremy Corbyn’s womanising?

29 June 2019 9:00 am

He has been married several times, has a way with the ladies and always seems to land on his feet…

You can tell a Remainer by their garden fence

29 June 2019 9:00 am

Remainers don’t like borders, I get that. But I had always assumed this was a preference confined to geopolitics. I…

This prospective lodger was clearly barking mad

22 June 2019 9:00 am

‘Take a seat,’ said the prospective lodger as we stood in my dining room. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand,’ I…

My planning permission hell

15 June 2019 9:00 am

When is planning permission for four loft windows actually planning permission for two? Or simultaneously vice versa? It’s a very…

The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war

8 June 2019 9:00 am

No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…

The NHS clearly wishes I would just naff off

1 June 2019 9:00 am

The receptionist fixed me with a withering stare. I had just filled out a repeat prescription form and politely inquired…

My little lodger has been stolen from me

25 May 2019 9:00 am

‘Farewell then, little lodger. I wish you would stay for ever but I understand that girls in their early twenties…

Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne

18 May 2019 9:00 am

‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…

I’ve reached scandal saturation point

11 May 2019 9:00 am

A letter before action, or something that looked very much like it, arrived on my doormat from an insurance company.…

The NHS’s CBT mailshot is a scandal

4 May 2019 9:00 am

A leaflet came through my door from the NHS inviting me to take part (if that is the right term)…

Have I misrepresented the builder boyfriend?

27 April 2019 9:00 am

‘That’s not the builder boyfriend,’ said the luncheon guest as he eyed the builder boyfriend over the table. ‘Well then,…

The truth is messy. Village gossip is even messier

20 April 2019 9:00 am

An angry villager accosted me outside my house as I came through my front door. ‘You’re wrong about those horses,’…


Our moaning MPs say they’re suffering. What about the rest of us?

13 April 2019 9:00 am

A famous actor looks tearfully into the camera. It is Michael Sheen, or possibly Ewan McGregor. His voice cracks as…

I will never, ever, vote Conservative again

13 April 2019 9:00 am

With very little expectation they would care, I sent an email to Mole Valley Conservatives. It always amuses me, that…

The builder boyfriend and I have left the EU – and it’s great

6 April 2019 9:00 am

After all that waiting and arguing, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed leaving the EU. The builder boyfriend and I…

You should train your man like you train your Labrador

30 March 2019 9:00 am

‘This clean sock regime is really annoying,’ said the builder boyfriend, as he rummaged through his newly inaugurated top drawer.…

Professional villagers won’t rest until they have eliminated mud from the countryside

23 March 2019 9:00 am

‘Don’t touch anything sharp. Don’t saw anything or drill anything or sand anything,’ said the builder boyfriend as he left…


From a solar-powered bin to HS2: the destruction of my childhood home

16 March 2019 9:00 am

My mother is a classy lady. I have always known this, but it still affected me in a way I…

Credit: Leadinglights

My life is like that new Netflix series Russian Doll – a series of recurring crises

9 March 2019 9:00 am

Russian Doll is a brilliant new Netflix drama in which a woman relives the same night over and over again.…