Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

You can tell a Remainer by their garden fence

29 June 2019 9:00 am

Remainers don’t like borders, I get that. But I had always assumed this was a preference confined to geopolitics. I…

This prospective lodger was clearly barking mad

22 June 2019 9:00 am

‘Take a seat,’ said the prospective lodger as we stood in my dining room. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand,’ I…

My planning permission hell

15 June 2019 9:00 am

When is planning permission for four loft windows actually planning permission for two? Or simultaneously vice versa? It’s a very…

The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war

8 June 2019 9:00 am

No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…

The NHS clearly wishes I would just naff off

1 June 2019 9:00 am

The receptionist fixed me with a withering stare. I had just filled out a repeat prescription form and politely inquired…

My little lodger has been stolen from me

25 May 2019 9:00 am

‘Farewell then, little lodger. I wish you would stay for ever but I understand that girls in their early twenties…

Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne

18 May 2019 9:00 am

‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…

I’ve reached scandal saturation point

11 May 2019 9:00 am

A letter before action, or something that looked very much like it, arrived on my doormat from an insurance company.…

The NHS’s CBT mailshot is a scandal

4 May 2019 9:00 am

A leaflet came through my door from the NHS inviting me to take part (if that is the right term)…

Have I misrepresented the builder boyfriend?

27 April 2019 9:00 am

‘That’s not the builder boyfriend,’ said the luncheon guest as he eyed the builder boyfriend over the table. ‘Well then,…

The truth is messy. Village gossip is even messier

20 April 2019 9:00 am

An angry villager accosted me outside my house as I came through my front door. ‘You’re wrong about those horses,’…


Our moaning MPs say they’re suffering. What about the rest of us?

13 April 2019 9:00 am

A famous actor looks tearfully into the camera. It is Michael Sheen, or possibly Ewan McGregor. His voice cracks as…

I will never, ever, vote Conservative again

13 April 2019 9:00 am

With very little expectation they would care, I sent an email to Mole Valley Conservatives. It always amuses me, that…

The builder boyfriend and I have left the EU – and it’s great

6 April 2019 9:00 am

After all that waiting and arguing, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed leaving the EU. The builder boyfriend and I…

You should train your man like you train your Labrador

30 March 2019 9:00 am

‘This clean sock regime is really annoying,’ said the builder boyfriend, as he rummaged through his newly inaugurated top drawer.…

Professional villagers won’t rest until they have eliminated mud from the countryside

23 March 2019 9:00 am

‘Don’t touch anything sharp. Don’t saw anything or drill anything or sand anything,’ said the builder boyfriend as he left…


From a solar-powered bin to HS2: the destruction of my childhood home

16 March 2019 9:00 am

My mother is a classy lady. I have always known this, but it still affected me in a way I…

Credit: Leadinglights

My life is like that new Netflix series Russian Doll – a series of recurring crises

9 March 2019 9:00 am

Russian Doll is a brilliant new Netflix drama in which a woman relives the same night over and over again.…

Credit: SolStock

Farmers get treated like terror suspects by the RSPCA

2 March 2019 9:00 am

‘What do you mean, you have no ID?’ I asked the farmer, starting to feel dizzy with the mind-boggling convolution…

From Swarfega to cleanse and polish: my long path to perfect skin

23 February 2019 9:00 am

‘Is it for your daughter?’ said the sales assistant as I pointed to an expensive skincare product. She had glided…

Credit: coffeekai

Why I could kiss Mark Zuckerberg

16 February 2019 9:00 am

Since posting some of my research into the RSPCA on Facebook, I now better understand the way social networking works.…

The mystery of the raided horses

9 February 2019 9:00 am

‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’ asked the lady as she sat beside me in the caravan. The…

I can’t believe I went online and found the most adorable lodger in Britain

9 February 2019 9:00 am

‘I see you’ve got the posters up then?’ said the little lodger as she came home from work. She’s got…

Credit: cdbrphotography

My old horse was tough, ferocious and violent – and I loved her as much as she loved me

2 February 2019 9:00 am

Under a blood moon, that was how Tara went down in the end. The old chestnut mare sure knew how…

Credit: tirc83

Surrey’s Gore-tex-collar crime wave

26 January 2019 9:00 am

The frustrating thing about rights is that when you give them to people they don’t cherish and appreciate them. They…