The folly of solar panels
The house fell silent as the last of the tourists took their oat milk and pretend cheese from the guest…
Why are vegans so philosophically confused?
The solar panel fitter was eating his fried breakfast when the talkative vegans came into the kitchen. They surveyed his…
The curse of room three
The singer sped past me out of the gate, sending me flying as I tried to say goodbye. We’ve been…
A visit from the left-whingers
The Americans wanted an argument and they weren’t going to take no, or indeed yes, for an answer. They arrived…
The anarchy of a breakfast buffet
The Portuguese guest wanted an egg, but she didn’t want it to look like an egg. She came down to…
My B&B guests keep stealing my books
‘Please do NOT wash up!’ reads the makeshift sign I have fixed above the kitchen sink. It instructs our B&B…
The high price of a free breakfast
‘Do you want the good news or the bad news about the Germans?’ I asked, and then I offered a…
The drama of an Irish supermarket car park
The woman pushing a wheelchair was causing such a rumpus in the supermarket that whichever aisle I was in I…
My angry Fairy Liquid battle
‘Please do NOT wash up!’ reads the makeshift sign I have fixed above the kitchen sink. It instructs our B&B…
Deluded Americans are descending on Ireland
The American girl was listing her reasons for moving to Ireland in protest at Donald Trump. ‘I cannot stay in…
Our B&B is the opposite of organic
‘You need a Wwoofer,’ said the guest as he luxuriated in the big armchair by the roaring fire in our…
Lefties on a Plane: my real-life horror movie
Trapped in the middle seat next to a Dublin businessman in the window seat, I was subjected to a monologue…
How to spot a troublesome Airbnb review
The guest who thought our farm was in the town centre was very cross indeed. She got out of her…
Our B&B has found its niche
A rattling noise woke me in the dead of night and I fumbled my way into the dark corridor. It…
I’ve become a slave to my Airbnb star rating
‘Right, we’re going to book into Pauline’s B&B and give her a four-star rating and that will drop her down…
Has my father’s BBC addiction peaked?
‘I want the stairlift to go faster!’ said my mother, as the machine she was sitting on whirred furiously while…
Why must B&B guests give us advice?
‘You could mow all this lawn here and it would look a treat,’ said the arborist, returning from a stroll…
The guest who robbed me of my five-star rating
Bolting down the back hallway, I realised I was running away from the guests. I shut the door marked private…
Hell is a speed awareness course
The builder boyfriend sat nervously in front of my laptop as I logged him in to do his speed awareness…
Must my fish and chips come with a side of geopolitics?
‘Our boys went to Lebanon and trained Hezbollah!’ shouted the drunk Irish lad in the fish and chip shop as…
Speed traps are designed to make you fail
The builder boyfriend returned from a trip to London to inform me he was being done for speeding at 32mph,…
The £486 driving licence con
By changing the address on my driving licence, I was somehow signed up to something that began charging my credit…
My foolproof plan to avoid speeding fines
The online speed awareness course cost £101, or a few pounds less if you didn’t want to book ‘flexible’ so…
The Airbnb guest from hell
‘Is there a secret passageway behind that door?’ said the weirdly difficult Kiwi as she eyed a door marked ‘private’…
Help! I’m turning into Basil Fawlty
Basil Fawlty ended up beating his car with a tree branch after doing B&B for years, and I am very…
