Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

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Farmers get treated like terror suspects by the RSPCA

2 March 2019 9:00 am

‘What do you mean, you have no ID?’ I asked the farmer, starting to feel dizzy with the mind-boggling convolution…

From Swarfega to cleanse and polish: my long path to perfect skin

23 February 2019 9:00 am

‘Is it for your daughter?’ said the sales assistant as I pointed to an expensive skincare product. She had glided…

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Why I could kiss Mark Zuckerberg

16 February 2019 9:00 am

Since posting some of my research into the RSPCA on Facebook, I now better understand the way social networking works.…

The mystery of the raided horses

9 February 2019 9:00 am

‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’ asked the lady as she sat beside me in the caravan. The…

I can’t believe I went online and found the most adorable lodger in Britain

9 February 2019 9:00 am

‘I see you’ve got the posters up then?’ said the little lodger as she came home from work. She’s got…

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My old horse was tough, ferocious and violent – and I loved her as much as she loved me

2 February 2019 9:00 am

Under a blood moon, that was how Tara went down in the end. The old chestnut mare sure knew how…

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Surrey’s Gore-tex-collar crime wave

26 January 2019 9:00 am

The frustrating thing about rights is that when you give them to people they don’t cherish and appreciate them. They…

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Despite me virtually sexting him, my blacksmith is ignoring me — just like all the others before him

19 January 2019 9:00 am

Splitting the atom is nothing compared to figuring out how to get hold of your farrier. Why is the farrier…

The Kafkaesque nightmare of cancelling my BT broadband

12 January 2019 9:00 am

Oh, I suppose I might as well give it a whirl, I thought, as the recorded voice began its dirge:…

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A festive rapprochement with the ex-builder boyfriend

5 January 2019 9:00 am

1 January. Rooms left in house to decorate: 1 (only the attic, therefore doesn’t count).Walls plastered by self with no…

How Ebenezer Grayling destroyed the Kite family Christmas

15 December 2018 9:00 am

Ebenezer Grayling sat busy in his counting house. It was a cold, bleak day at the Department for Transport. Big…

My Christmas tree health-and-safety nightmare

8 December 2018 9:00 am

Decorating a tree on the unfinished minstrels’ gallery was an appealing idea if only for the health and safety violations.…

The joy of dentristy

I was right; the vet was wrong; and the scary sexy dentist sorted out the horses

1 December 2018 9:00 am

The horse dentist is handsome, with blond windswept hair and a weather-beaten face. There is something Heathcliffian about him, something…

How to destroy a house from the ground up

24 November 2018 9:00 am

Lying in bed one night as the rain pounded down, I became aware of a yellow patch forming on the…

Education, spiritual guidance and a good cappuccino: the new face of the NHS

17 November 2018 9:00 am

Left at the Dementia Café, right at the Sleep Office, past the Spiritual Care Centre… This was my journey through…

The NHS at 70 has summoned me to its presense

The NHS is teaching me how to stand properly

10 November 2018 9:00 am

If you are wondering, any more than usual, how your tax is being spent, you should know that I have…

My hundred-year-old-horse

3 November 2018 9:00 am

‘This isn’t so bad,’ said my friend, as we knelt at my old mare’s side as she lay on the…

Bitless and scared witless: a dangerous new left-wing cult

27 October 2018 9:00 am

Just when you thought there was nothing more for women of the left to nonsensically oppose, I bring you news…

‘I go against my instincts to be just an actor’

‘I should just shut up’: Dominic West on #MeToo and the perils of talking politics

20 October 2018 9:00 am

Lounging confidently on the sofa of a Soho hotel suite, Dominic West has been beaming at me, but now his…

You’ve got Gmail – whether you like it or not

Silicon Valley’s evil plan

20 October 2018 9:00 am

After months of trying not to try the exciting new version of Gmail, the exciting new version of Gmail tried…

The law of acronyms

13 October 2018 9:00 am

Teacher training is terrific fun. Oh yes, I am thoroughly enjoying myself on my evening course at Guildford College. Don’t…

I am a prisoner of Norton AntiVirus

6 October 2018 9:00 am

Two and a half hours after my tech guy began trying to uninstall Norton, he had purple smoke coming out…

Why mutilate a perfectly good pronoun?

29 September 2018 9:00 am

‘I’m just going to pop yourself on hold,’ said the girl from the online shopping firm who was trying to…

Why my lodger has to be a girl

22 September 2018 9:00 am

The little lodger is moving in. I chose her after an exhaustive search of twentysomethings looking for accommodation, during which…

I was hounded by a canine sex pest

15 September 2018 9:00 am

A big part of my problem is that I don’t understand why people do the things they do. I was…