Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

I’ve practically solved the crime myself but still the police won’t help

7 December 2019 9:00 am

‘Thank you for calling Surrey Police. We want to help you with your inquiry as quickly as possible. Did you…

I’ve finally found out the truth about my horse-riding nemesis

30 November 2019 9:00 am

She was a trade union activist, she told me. She wanted a second referendum. Well, they all do. I’m starting…

How you can tell the gender of a thief

23 November 2019 9:00 am

My attempt at being Columbo was only taking me so far. In solving the mystery of who raided the barn,…

The strange case of six missing horse rugs

16 November 2019 9:00 am

The night after the fireworks display the barn was raided and our horse rugs were taken. Good job I’ve watched…

Who will take the threat to horses from fireworks seriously?

9 November 2019 9:00 am

Remember remember the 5th of November, when Britain’s most controversial pub chain stages a massive firework display in the middle…

[Photo: middelveld]

I’m getting another horse — but it’s not for me

2 November 2019 9:00 am

Sitting on the train to Surrey, I was halfway home and texted the builder boyfriend to say when I would…

[Photo: Alasdair Thomson]

Was our nut-infested plane a death trap?

26 October 2019 9:00 am

‘This is your captain speaking, welcome aboard this flight to London Gatwick. As there is a passenger on our flight…

In the middle of our holiday came the phone call I was dreading

19 October 2019 9:00 am

Just before Tara left us, the old chestnut mare used to enjoy standing at the bottom gate watching the sun…

My bid to boost my carbon footprint

12 October 2019 9:00 am

Inspired by Harry and Meghan I decided to get on a plane. I hadn’t been anywhere for so long it…

Should I return to the land of my Italian ancestors?

5 October 2019 9:00 am

When I was growing up, my Italian grandfather was my favourite person. He taught me to play a mean game…

The rise of the Brexitainers

28 September 2019 9:00 am

The Union Jack is flying on the front of my house. After a long discussion with the local council, planning…

Do I need planning permission to fly a Union Flag on my house? [Photo: coldsnowstorm]

What Brexiteers can teach Remoaners about good manners

21 September 2019 9:00 am

‘If we are going to Westminster to riot,’ I told my Brexit-voting friends over dinner at the Thai restaurant at…

Pet health insurance is a scam

14 September 2019 9:00 am

‘The reason vets are so expensive now,’ explained the vet in her snazzy green uniform, ‘is because we can do…

How it feels to be the only Brexiteers in the village

7 September 2019 9:00 am

We are the only Brexiteers in the village. That, at least, is how it feels. Out they come, the far…

The EU has banned a miracle cure for laminitis

31 August 2019 9:00 am

Once upon a time, in a country that didn’t run itself, a horse supplement company invented a cure for laminitis.…

A mysterious case of fly-tipping immunity

24 August 2019 9:00 am

When is fly-tipping not fly-tipping? I think I can explain, now the pile of rubble has finally moved from the…

Can a church blessing tame my unruly dog?

17 August 2019 9:00 am

The picture on the front of the Animal Blessing Service programme featured a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a goldfish,…

Perhaps my mattress is in Texas? Wayfair employees stage a walkout over the company’s supply of beds to a detention centre for migrant children

I’ve always enjoyed myself on Wayfair – but this time I’ve had enough

17 August 2019 9:00 am

One thing Lorraine Kelly does not say in the Wayfair advert is: ‘What if I fancy getting my money back…

Credit: whitemay

The travellers could teach the locals a thing or two about being responsible citizens

10 August 2019 9:00 am

The travellers were blamed for fly-tipping when all that was left on the common after they went back up north…

No village fête for us this year!

The village fête has been cancelled due to an ‘unauthorised incursion’

3 August 2019 9:00 am

The village fête had to be cancelled because of what they called an ‘incursion’ on to the green. The way…

When a Mercedes hits a Volvo, something’s got to give

Nut jobs like me can’t process misfortune in a calm way

27 July 2019 9:00 am

‘Ah well, it can’t be helped,’ said the builder boyfriend. I call people who talk like that civilians. Nut jobs…

Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?

20 July 2019 9:00 am

For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…

Not going to the osteopath cured me

13 July 2019 9:00 am

Not going to the osteopath worked a treat. Walking out of that surgery after hearing the crunching coming from inside…

Was this guy a mystical healer or was he addicted to crunching people’s bones? Credit: Fox Photos / Stringer/Getty Images

Is my osteopath a psychopath or a mystical healer?

6 July 2019 9:00 am

Either the osteopath is a psychopath or he is the second coming. I see no other possibility. I turned up…

Forget Boris. What about Jeremy Corbyn’s womanising?

29 June 2019 9:00 am

He has been married several times, has a way with the ladies and always seems to land on his feet…