Flat White

Quick!!! Lock everyone down immediately

14 June 2022

12:00 PM

14 June 2022

12:00 PM

[ Calm down, it’s satire. Well, mostly. ]

Reports of yet another highly contagious viral respiratory disease are beginning to emerge around the world.

The prognosis is dire.

Modeling suggests that hundreds of thousands of lives will be lost globally. With such carnage once again knocking on Australia’s door, we must look to our brave and successful Covid response to inform our next cautious steps…

And yes, before you ask, the only way to solve this urgent problem is with large-scale government intervention. 

Like with Covid, we’re fairly confident we know how this disease works, but one can never be sure. For that reason, we have no other choice but to take the most brutal action possible.

Scary videos from China suggest that things are even so serious that we must immediately dump our pandemic response plan (for no reason), and instead make up an entirely new plan as we go along.

Schools are to close immediately. Businesses must go out of business. Large stretches of otherwise empty beaches will be patrolled by police.

Why, you ask?


Because, despite there being no evidence of outdoor community transmission, there might be outdoor community transmission. So say our top health experts.

(Evidence that sunlight and exercise help boost a person’s immunity will be ignored for the greater good.)

Masks are ineffective in curbing the spread. Please wear two. Never mind that those masks didn’t work before. These masks will, so you must wear them. Anyone not wearing a mask will be fined.

There’s more good news. A vaccine has been developed. We will stagger the roll-out so that the vulnerable have earlier access, yet if you still don’t have it immediately, you’ll be castigated live on television daily.

The vaccine is safe and effective. There will be no further questions on the matter.

Like last time, our messaging around vaccines remains pretty clear. If you choose to remain unvaccinated, you’re an anti-vaxxer. If you have questions about the vaccine, you’re an anti-vaxxer. If you’re vaccinated and you’re against government mandates, you’re an anti-vaxxer. Any questions about that? Shove it, anti-vaxxer.

And yes, before you ask, we admit that we do not know if the vaccines prevent transmission. But just to be sure, we’ll fire, follow, fine, arrest, lambast, humiliate, separate, isolate, and repatriate anyone who refuses to vaccinate.

In accordance with the 2020-22 protocols, any protesters who demand their freedom to work and earn a living will be shot on sight with pepper bullets. Families who may have differing opinions on the matter will be ripped apart. Any rises in suicides, mental health problems, alcoholism, and domestic abuse, are all necessary to flatten the curve.

For the safety of the community, the community will be terrorised. Thank you to all of our healthcare heroes (unless you’re unvaccinated, in which case; you’re fired).

We understand these are frightening times, so to ease your worried mind, we will fly a helicopter over your house for hours at a time. For your health, you’ll be beaten senseless if you wander outside beyond your designated space.

We understand this may have a tremendous impact on young children’s lives, especially their mental health. Parks and playgrounds will be closed until further notice.

Oh, and did we say millions will die ‘from’ the disease? You must have misheard us. We meant that millions will die ‘with’ the disease. Or a few weeks after having the disease. Or something.

Anyway. All of this will come at a small cost of around a few hundred billion dollars, payable by cash or card (but mostly with your taxes). Inflation will happen for unrelated reasons. We must lift immigration in order to replace the workers we stood down.

Please vote for us.

Any guesses for what this year’s highly dangerous viral respiratory disease is called?

If you said ‘the flu’, you’re right. It has shared characteristics  with Covid and has a similar CFR. So why hasn’t it had a similar response?

Great question.

One gets the feeling that though we might’ve missed masks and mandates this time around, the police baton will never be too far away.

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