Flat White

Unexplained pregnancies at the women-only Edna Mahan Correctional Facility

20 April 2022

9:00 AM

20 April 2022

9:00 AM

[Calm down, it’s satire.]

Two inmates at a women-only prison are reportedly pregnant after getting a little too friendly with transgender inmates.

The women are among 800 prisoners, including 27 transwomen, being held at the Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women in New Jersey. The prison does not require transgender inmates to have undergone gender reassignment surgery to be housed there. You can read the actual news report here.

To better understand how this could happen, I sought comment on the biology of the situation from world leaders. These are their responses:

US Supreme Court Nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson

That’s not a question I deal with as a judge. How could I possibly know what leads to a woman getting pregnant? Do I look like a biologist?’

Former Chief Health Officer and current Australian Health Department Secretary Professor Brendan Murphy:

Hahaha. Look there are a variety of ways a woman can get pregnant so perhaps, to give a more fulsome answer, we should take that on notice.’

UK Labor Leader Sir Keir Starmer

Transwomen are women. That is actually the law. This situation – it must have been an immaculate conception.’

Australian Greens Leader Adam Bandt

I will not be joining you in a culture war when lives are at stake. How does a woman get pregnant? Have you got a phone? Google it, mate!’

Senior Australian Labor politician Tanya Plibersek

It’s disappointing you would use the wonder of pregnancy to divide people rather than to unite them. I’m curious that at a time when we’ve got record debt you would want to focus on this stuff.’

Prime Minister Scott Morrison

My government does not have a position on how women get pregnant, but those who do have a position on this are brave, and I support them.’

NSW Liberal Treasurer Matt Kean

This is not the 1950s. This is not an intolerant society. The idea that a woman can’t get another woman pregnant is horrendous and not okay and I’m sure the voters of Warringah agree that to say otherwise is bigoted and frankly, transphobic.’

US President Joe Biden

W-women are doing great things in the – the – the ports of great cities with ah – panels. You’ve got to get the sun comin’ down on the solar panels to make the children. Don’t question the science. C’mon man! There’s an Easter Bunny.’

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Transwomen are not real women, they are men and that is how they will be treated in battle.’

First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon

Everyone knows that a woman can’t get pregnant having sex with another woman. Obviously, this wouldn’t have happened if the trans person had first obtained one of our government-issued gender recognition certificates.’

Disney CEO Bob Chapek

I have no idea how the prison situation you are describing happened, but I promise to include the storyline in all upcoming children’s films and apologise unreservedly for not having done so earlier.’

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson

Women get pregnant by having sex with biological men. It may be controversial, but I think it’s common sense.’

You can follow James on Twitter. You can order his new book Notes from Woketopia here.

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