With the way things are going, I wonder if we might start issuing apologies before we get cancelled. You know, get in early. It could go something like this.

I have not yet been cancelled, but I am sure it is only a matter of time before something I said 20 years ago triggers someone today.

I have therefore decided to provide this heart-felt and sincere apology in advance of even knowing what it is I will be cancelled for, in the hope that you will give me the chance to learn and to grow and to do better at whatever deficiencies my Twitter history may find in me.

And so I want to extend an apology to every single person who was hurt by the meme I posted, the meme I failed to post, the unacceptable phrase I used, the tasteless joke I told, my failure to speak out, my silence or whatever else it is that I will be found to have done, omitted to do, said or thought.

I am sorry.

No matter what it turns out to be, I take responsibility. And I extend that apology to every single person.

But most importantly I extend that apology to my black brothers and sisters, to my disabled friends, to full-bodied extra-large people, to beloved members of the LGBTQI+ community, to vegans and, of course, to women whom I now agree include trans women, especially if it was not including them that led to me being cancelled in the future, as I anticipate I will be.

I didn’t realise how truly harmful my words were, whatever they turn out to be, and I feel deep contrition.

Let me be clear. Black lives matter. Trans women are women. Coal is bad. Obesity is beautiful and we need more of it, especially on magazine covers. Gay is good and normal and everyone should try it. Men can have periods. Down with the patriarchy. You’re born that way. Believe all women. Capitalism is evil.

And if, at this point, I have not uttered the key phrase that proves I am onboard with whatever narrative we are doing at the time I am cancelled, please know that I agree with it and I believe it. Whatever it is.

Like so many people, I am heart-broken about whatever is happening in our world right now. And one of the things I am most heartbroken about is my own bigoted or racist or misogynist, or Islamophobic or homophobic or transphobic or white supremacist or fascist or vegaphobic attitudes.

It is quite likely that, at some point in the future, I will be found to have been a contemptable combination of three or more of those things. And for this, whatever this turns out to be, I am truly sorry.

I am committed to doing the hard work of undertaking a journey of continued learning and growing in these areas.

I will seek to listen and learn and understand and grow and any other verb that emphasises my humility.

I hope that I can use what I have learned through whatever this painful process turns out to be so as to seem part of the solution rather than the problem.

I promise to use whatever influence I have left after being pilloried on social media, hounded out of my job and ejected from polite society to help other people such as whites, heterosexuals, Christians and especially men to learn these important lessons too.

I now understand the reality of things like white privilege, unconscious bias, inequity, systemic racism or whatever other hot button progressive issue I have failed to treat with the seriousness they deserve. And I still have a long way to go.

I acknowledge that I sit where I am today largely because of centuries of gross injustices done to everyone who is upset at me for any reason.

And I take responsibility for any injustices anyone else has suffered anywhere at any time for any reason, even before I was born which was no excuse.

I am responsible. I am truly sorry for the hurt and suffering that I caused, even if I didn’t.

Finally, thank you for letting me apologise.

My only focus from this day forward will be to learn, to understand, to stay engaged, to be educated and, yes, to say whatever the hell I need to say in order to not lose my livelihood because of you crazy, easily triggered, deeply miserable, cancel-happy, utter nut-jobs.