Flat White

An epistle from the Clementines

10 October 2018

12:44 PM

10 October 2018

12:44 PM

You can read the extract of Clem’s letter to her son in Fairfax Media here. But if it makes no sense to you, Vanessa de Largie has done a translation…

To my beautiful boy,

The first thing you need to understand is that I adore you — even though you’re not a girl and do not possess a vagina. My adoration for you is a raging beast. It has made it’s home in my columns, books and ability to make money.

Every night, after raging against men all day, I think to myself that it would be impossible for me to adore you any more than I already do — except if you were female. My love, much like my anger at men — expands whilst I sleep.

In the beginning, I didn’t know how to have a boy because I think little girls are far more superior. I am aware that with a ‘misandrist-mother’ like me who wants to #killallmen. It’s not guaranteed that you’ll be treated kindly or fairly by other women like myself.

I believe, to ‘show masculinity’ as a little boy, is to be deficient in some way. To naturally feel inclined to do things ‘like a boy’ is to be embarrassingly toxic and a shameful waste of a sperm and an egg.

Boys that are perceived to be ‘too masculine’ by a feminist-plagued society that is terrified of penises and what natural male rambunctiousness might mean are subjected to vitriol and misandry.

I will always provide shelter for you my darling boy. When you come under fire of other people’s bigotry — I will demand that my army of lapdogs completely destroy them. But please remember — you’re fortunate.

You’re only knee-high to a grasshopper now and you probably believe that I have the answers to everything. You’re correct — I do!

But when you read this in a decade and cringe, please realise that I am a deeply confused woman who only writes all this dribble to earn a crust.

Here’s what I know, sonny-boy:

  • You have valuable traits but your masculinity is not one of them.
  • Power is not gained by degrading other people like I do.
  • Women are legends. Sit at their feet and wait for their commands.
  • Violence is not a way to solve your problems although it’s worked very well for me and has given me a career.
  • Misandry is a destructive force in women’s lives.
  • Respect women. As I’ve told you before: blokes suck!
  • Embrace sensitivity like your Mommie Dearest.

These are the rules mate. I want you to have choices…(well not really… but the choices I’ve just set out for you).

Boys will no longer be boys but I will have achieved my intention through my own blood.

Boys will not be masculine.

Boys will not be toxic.

Boys will not like blue.

Boys will not like clothing that is boyish.

Boys will feel shame for any boyish traits that they may have.

Boys will apologise for their existence.

Here’s some sparkly pink shoes, mate. Are you ready?




Vanessa de Largie is a freelance journalist and sex columnist who divides her time between London and Melbourne.

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