Flat White

Their ABC: a conservative – and male – free zone

31 August 2018

6:36 PM

31 August 2018

6:36 PM

When I was growing up, a popular folk song written and recorded by Pete Seeger lamented “Where have all the flowers gone?”  with the line, “When will they ever learn; when will they ever learn.” The second verse delighted feminists when it asked: “Where have all the young girls gone” before answering: “Taken husbands every one” and lamenting that girls never learn – which probably explains both the age of hippies and the age of Aquarius. Thankfully, most girls don’t take any notice of these left-wing rumination; they just wanna have fa-un.

Unfortunately, if marriage was a sort of death to young girls – Seeger wasn’t referring to under-age marriages – his corresponding lot for young men in the third verse was to join the army.

The song sprung to mind a couple of days ago while listening to Your ABC, News Radio’s breakfast session with Sandy (Sandra?). “Where have all the young men gone” seemed so poetically acute apropos Your ABC. On that particular morning, if the sports report every half hour is excluded, during the two hours that I tolerated it, Sandy played reports from only one ABC male reporter; the rest of the show was dominated by the reports of Your ABC domestic and international female reporters with occasional reports from CNN (they pay a reduced fee for fake news) and al Jazeera to fill in time.

It occurred to me that I had been subconsciously aware of this for some time, in fact ever since the departure of Chris Uhlmann for Channel 9 pastures (yes, they are Greener), but I have never bothered to link the effect of constant female journalistic chatter on Your ABC radio stations to a particular cause – as some have linked idiot sexual fantasies to Marxist research at La Trobe University or sleep deprivation to the low-level hum from a wind farm.

I am not 100 per cent sure of the cause, but given the left-wing, sapphic ethic of Your ABC (whatever it takes), I think it reasonable to suggest that our public broadcaster, paid for by you and me, (mostly by you), has quietly initiated its own affirmative action program to employ female journalists in disproportionate numbers to males. This would also be consistent with the ABC Board where females comprise 66.6 per cent of the membership.

Your ABC could clarify this matter simply by providing a list of its journalist staff broken down in accordance with each person’s biological sex. While they would have to ignore their staffs’ sexuality and subjective feelings, all would be readily cured by a simple memo saying ‘SORRY’.

I have been informed by a source who asked to remain anonymous as she was not authorised to speak about it, that the biological qualification is the key to this issue. Aunty takes gender fluidity very seriously and is ready to define all journalists as male if attempts are made to impose a non-discriminatory policy upon it.  He agreed that Pete Seeger’s song seemed to apply to much of what Aunty attempts and referred to a management email from somewhere near the top which advised that all QWERTY keyboards were to be replaced by the gender-neutral, LGBTIQ keyboard.

“Where have QWERTY keyboards gone?” he asked.

So, perhaps you are still wondering where all the young men have gone. Every day the Army is looking better and better.

Illustration: ABC Television/Mememe Productions/Decode Entertainment.

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