The original Road House movie, released in 1989 and starring Patrick Swayze, was an absolute blast. Over-the-top, sexy, and oozing with masculinity, Road House encapsulates the essence of what made action films from the 1980s so enjoyable. It was a classic popcorn movie with a straightforward message: kicking is the solution to all of life’s problems.

It was always going to be a monumental task to recreate this classic action movie. So when I saw a new version appear on Amazon a few days ago, I thought I would check it out. However, this one feels more like a feather to the face than a knockout punch. While it retains some of the elements that made the original so much fun, Doug Liman has made a film that is confusing and, to be honest, a bit boring.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Elwood Dalton, a former UFC fighter who has fallen on hard times. Owing to his legendary reputation as a fierce fighter, he scares the living daylights out of his opponents who refuse to fight him. Out of money, salvation comes in the form of Frankie (Jessica Williams), the proprietor of a roadhouse bar in the Florida Keys. It’s a real tough joint, the kind where broken teeth are all over the floor and knives are stuck in the wall. Dalton is hired by Frankie to protect the bar from a local biker gang, but Dalton’s no-nonsense approach to trouble lands squarely in the crosshairs of real estate tycoon Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen), who wants to demolish the club to expand his property portfolio.

Enter Conor McGregor. This is where the movie really picks up. McGregor portrays Knox, a ruthless, borderline psychotic man hired by Brandt to get rid of Dalton. It’s clear from the minute he bursts onto screen that McGregor has brought his legendary ego and arrogance from the octagon to the big screen. The former middleweight UFC champion has bulked up for Knox. He swaggers like a lion on steroids, prowling the screen. You get the impression Liman gave him the go-ahead to go full tonto. His acting abilities, though, are not as sharp as his fighting. McGregor delivers every cheesy line with a crazy smile, as if he’s sizing up an opponent in the ring. His performance is as captivating as it is confusing.

While McGregor’s one-dimensional approach to acting does add a touch of star power, the movie suffers from a number of problems. The protagonist’s transformation is the first thing that springs to mind. Writers Anthony Bagarozzi and Chuck Mondry have given the character a more reflective side. Gyllenhaal’s portrayal of Dalton is far more zen than Swayze’s, who favoured dispensing old-school justice with a roundhouse kick to the face. As evidenced when Gyllenhaal offers to drive the bad guys to the hospital after beating them up.

At said hospital, Dalton meets Ellie (Daniela Melchior), a doctor who, after overcrowding her ER with wounded villains, lectures him on toxic masculinity. Ellie would be the love interest in the original, making out with Swayze to the sound of a saxophone solo. It never really gets off the ground here. It feels like we are witnessing a marriage counselling session rather than developing an interesting dynamic trading off sexual chemistry and tension.

Road House (2024) has the feel of a movie that is being pulled in several different directions, whereas the original is a straightforward, adrenaline-filled ride that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The first half unfolds in a cartoonish manner. However, everything breaks down when it begins to take itself too seriously. Some really bad CGI fight scenes don’t help either. Which is unfortunate because there are some really good short fight scenes, like the one where Dalton breaks a guy’s fingers to disarm him. The extended fight sequences are where the true problems lie. Although McGregor brings a great deal of realism to the scenes, they are so glitchy that you could mistake them for someone playing a heavily bugged copy of Mortal Kombat.

Don’t get me wrong, gratuitous violence, corny one-liners, and shoddy acting were all part of what made 1980s action movies so enjoyable. But the thing is, the fans embraced it. The directors of classic films like Commando, Predator, Raw Deal, and Rambo gave the audience exactly what they wanted. Sometimes, a film’s real beauty lies in its simplicity.

Road House, like the original, is never going to win an Oscar. It’s actually pretty fun – if you can get past the incongruous plot. It’s just a shame that a movie trying to pass for something it’s not diminishes the entertainment value.

It’s easy to see who this is aimed at: fans of the UFC and Eighties action nerds, like me. However, anyone who has seen the original will soon forget this version. Nonetheless, there is one thing in common with both films: an equal run time. This version feels twice as long, though.