Real life

I’ve faked my own iPhone death

17 February 2018 9:00 am

After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…

My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it

10 February 2018 9:00 am

Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…

Hell is a dental hygienist

3 February 2018 9:00 am

‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…

Are vets the new transgenders?

27 January 2018 9:00 am

The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…

Melissa Kite: The death of humour

20 January 2018 9:00 am

A vet has accused me of a ‘hate crime’ for making a joke about vets. On the basis that everything…

Melissa Kite: No more Cinderella complex; no more males rescuers needed

13 January 2018 9:00 am

‘Not being rude, but I don’t think you should do any DIY,’ said the gamekeeper. He had just witnessed me…

Melissa Kite: Could I live without an MRI scan of my head?

6 January 2018 9:00 am

Reluctantly, I decided I would have to throw away the MRI scan of my head. I’ve hung on to it…

Melissa Kite: Hell is a porcelain kitchen tile

16 December 2017 9:00 am

If only I knew whether I would have a kitchen, I could order a turkey. But despite having an almost…

My horse is a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Reggie Kray

9 December 2017 9:00 am

While the vet was checking Gracie, I asked him to take a look at Tara, the old chestnut hunter. Just…

I’ve seen the new face of veterinary medicine – and I don’t like it

2 December 2017 9:00 am

After a week of cold hosing, I decided I would have to get the vet to the small swelling on…

Dr Google’s verdict? Anthrax poisoning

25 November 2017 9:00 am

Six months into the renovations and I have so much dust in my lungs I have had to give Stefano…

Life is tough at the bottom of the equality heap

18 November 2017 9:00 am

The incident I am about to recount I make no judgment about, other than that I believe it tells us…

Are my horses conspiring against me?

11 November 2017 9:00 am

When it comes to horses, troubles come in multitudes. Multitudes of lame legs. Gracie, the hunter pony, kicked things off…

The poetry of kitchens

4 November 2017 9:00 am

‘The colour of this kitchen is inspired by a blend of heather, bracken and the mountains of the Isle of…

Real life

28 October 2017 9:00 am

The Albanian builders have started a turf war in my kitchen. The hostilities broke out suddenly. One minute the builders…

Real life

14 October 2017 9:00 am

They are building the bonfire already. In the dip where winter flooding sometimes creates a small lake, the wood and…

Real life

7 October 2017 9:00 am

How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…

Real Life

30 September 2017 9:00 am

Assuming someone had moved house before, and put a new boiler in their new house, while remaining a customer of…

Real life

23 September 2017 9:00 am

BT have just put the phone down on me for asking them to stop sending me junk mail, which is…

Real life

16 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano and his boys got to work with gusto and within a few days the upstairs of my house started…

Real life

9 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano the Albanian turned up in a brand new Audi off-roader, cutting quite the dash. He looked older, with some…

Real life

2 September 2017 9:00 am

My friendly neighbourhood Lib Dems have put some campaign literature through my door. In a covering note, they intimate that…

Real life

26 August 2017 9:00 am

Darcy is high-maintenance, so I decided to leave her in the posh livery yard, with its luxuriant shavings beds and…

Real life

19 August 2017 9:00 am

Easier by far to load up my horses and move them to the next village than try to fight the…

Real life

12 August 2017 9:00 am

Like Steve McQueen gone slightly to seed, the builder boyfriend strode off into the sunset. Nothing becomes him so much…