Real life

Will Zooming replace real-life socialising?

11 July 2020 9:00 am

‘Are you seriously telling me you would rather meet up on Zoom than in reality?’ I asked a friend as…

It’s time for lockdown lovers to accept that the fun is over

4 July 2020 9:00 am

My friend turned up wearing a snorkelling mask, beneath which she had tied a bandana around her mouth. On her…

The abominable selfishness of the Surrey middle classes

27 June 2020 9:00 am

‘Have you met the man who keeps his horses in this field?’ said one silver-haired lady to the other, as…

My organ donation opt-out hell

20 June 2020 9:00 am

Opting out of organ donation was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a while. I don’t mean the…

There were horses loose in a Public Sex Environment

13 June 2020 9:00 am

The two horses looked like they had never seen anything like it. They had wound up in a dark car…

Our first outing to the beach was ruined by angry two-metre-ites

6 June 2020 9:00 am

We went on our first outing, to the beach at Littlehampton, but I’m not sure it was as stress-relieving as…

All I want to do is de-worm my horse

30 May 2020 9:00 am

We arrived at the country store with only three minutes to closing time so our chances of scoring horse wormer…

What no one tells you about owning a horse

23 May 2020 9:00 am

When people ask me what I did during lockdown, I would like to give an inspiring answer, apart from growing…

Lockdown is making a Lib Dem of me

16 May 2020 9:00 am

If this lockdown doesn’t end soon we are all going to turn into hairy lefties. I have just cut the…

My toilet ultimatum to the builder boyfriend

9 May 2020 9:00 am

The rain showers had a strange and wondrous effect. All the cyclists, joggers and dog walkers that were coming from…

I’m imposing a one-woman trade embargo on China

2 May 2020 9:00 am

Without making any efforts in that direction, I now know all about a certain telecom firm’s future business plans. My…

We don’t have lockdown in Surrey

25 April 2020 9:00 am

The man was unloading cycles from the boot of his car just as I was about to take the turning…

Why I joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses

18 April 2020 9:00 am

The toad who lives at the bottom of the garden in the pile of bricks beneath the potting table was…

Could this pandemic be the death of veganism?

11 April 2020 9:00 am

‘Do you want some of the private stuff from out the back?’ said the butcher to the builder boyfriend, leaning…

This pandemic is showing us for who we really are

4 April 2020 9:00 am

The spaniel curled up in her basket with one of my shoes, one of his socks and a packet of…

How I fought the urge to panic-buy – and won

28 March 2020 9:00 am

‘Get me Heygates on the phone! I need that order of pony nuts now, damn it!’ It was like a…

The badlands of rural Surrey

21 March 2020 9:00 am

The most exciting place on earth I have ever been to is the village where I live. And I don’t…

If I don’t like being fat, I should be allowed to say so

14 March 2020 9:00 am

The game was up when I put on a pair of size 14 jodhpurs at the country store and they…

How I fell out of love with the BBC

7 March 2020 9:00 am

One of the many technological things I don’t understand is, how come I’m paying to watch television? I know why…

Is it possible to have a touch of coronavirus?

29 February 2020 9:00 am

Nice of the NHS to send an advisory text about coronavirus, because I was wondering. Is it possible to have…

As long as jokes remain legal I’ll keep on making them

21 February 2020 10:00 pm

Mr Benn has been in touch because he wants a right of reply to an article I wrote about my…

The pros and cons of robot vision

15 February 2020 9:00 am

Being told I am now both short-sighted and long-sighted feels like someone is playing a very bad joke on me.…

The builder boyfriend has fallen off the roof – and still he won’t see a doctor

7 February 2020 10:00 pm

The builder boyfriend fell off a roof. He didn’t tell me until he could no longer leave unexplained why he…

Dogging on our doorstep

1 February 2020 9:00 am

Some might say it was a typical over-reaction on my part to erect hidden cameras at the horses’ field. First…

What has Mr Benn got to do with horse insurance?

24 January 2020 10:00 pm

‘Time to begin your adventure with Mr Benn!’ said the letter that came through my door, in a big loopy…