Real life
The British Gas engineers arrived in convoy, and the dust from their tyres flew into the air as they came…
Real life
‘Your service contract has been completed,’ said someone or something from British Gas, in the chat box on its website.…
Real life
‘Do you care about the woodland? Do you care about the wildlife?’ shouted the bearded Woodland Trust volunteer from his…
Real life
The LED streetlamp outside my house was fitted with a ‘compromise’ shield acceptable to a vegan that looked as if…
Real life
If I could ban one question ever being asked of me again it would be: ‘Are you on WhatsApp?’ I…
Real life
If you want to understand Surrey, look at the house names. Keepers’ Copse, Meadow View, Weavers, Highfields… What do all…
Real life
The dynamics of the village can only be understood with reference to what’s happening to the parking. Unless you study…
Real life
‘You coming to help us poo pick?’ said my friend Terry, in a desperate sounding voice message. The builder boyfriend…
Real life
The girl wound down her window, stuck her mobile phone out into midair, and started to take pictures of the…
Real life
‘Missing Dog, Please Do Not Call, Chase or Try To Grab Her!! She Will Run!!’ This notice, featuring the face…
Captain Fantastic
Defence Secretary Ben Wallace is on manoeuvres
Real life
After rushing our little spaniel to the veterinary hospital on the usual bank holiday emergency basis upon which all animals…
Real life
When the vet had finished giving my horses their annual flu boosters, she reminded me the vaccination regime had changed.…
Real life
The bank was having Transgender Visibility Day when I popped in to deposit some cash.The stressed-looking customers, meanwhile, seemed mostly…
Real life
My friend Emily, who once got an owl stuck to her hand, was bringing her son for a day with…
Real life
Since recovering from Covid, I seem to have quietly been developing supernatural powers. At first I thought I had simply…
Real life
The window of the new shop was as brightly coloured as a circus entrance, and stuffed full of items bearing…
Real life
The lodger looked at me blankly and pronounced wearily, as though intoning something he was tired of parroting, that I…
Real life
‘This is my father, and his pronoun is he,’ said the builder boyfriend, checking his dad into Accident and Emergency.…
Real life
Trees glorious trees. People can’t get enough of them. They don’t want to take care of trees, they just want…
Real life
‘A diary?’ said the lady in the chintzy gift shop, pronouncing the word very much as Edith Evans said ‘handbag’…
Real life
‘Do you have any questions?’ said the man at the insurance company after an hour of me trying to take…
Real life
After most of Islington moved to Wales, it was foolish of me to think about following. But the need to…
Real life
After an incredible 13 emails, Vodafone decided that I was who I was claiming to be, and refunded my money.…
Real life
After launching an investigation into my missing phone, Vodafone informed me it could not deal with me any further until…
