Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

My love for Sharon was like a mental illness

10 May 2014 9:00 am

As Sharon stooped to pour boiling water from the kettle into two mugs, I studied her back and wondered what,…

Sharon's back, altered in mind as well as body

3 May 2014 9:00 am

Sharon’s back. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to the house and let myself in. She was…

My VIP drive around Rajasthan

26 April 2014 9:00 am

Two years ago, roughly, for a travel piece, I flew to Delhi and took a southbound train to a dusty…

Battle of the grandsons

19 April 2014 9:00 am

In the blue corner, wearing 4oz gloves, is the Ninja. Real name Klynton. The younger of my two grandsons. Also…

"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"

12 April 2014 9:00 am

On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce,…

We're all just bewildered apes – my financial adviser proves it

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Depressed and demoralised after the defeat of his nation of farmers in the second Boer war, Eugène Marais, an Afrikaner…

He's a great friend. He knows everything. Please don't let him phone

29 March 2014 9:00 am

Another sunny Sunday morning and the phone rings. I pick up the receiver. It’s Frank. I groan inwardly. Frank is…

The hilarity of Hoopoes and Luis Suárez’s teeth

22 March 2014 9:00 am

My brother’s three Borders are called Roxy, Ruby and Taz. My one ambition in life is to own a terrier…

A night on a hospital ward with Paddy Leigh Fermor

15 March 2014 9:00 am

The catheter stung exquisitely when I lay down. So I stood up. All night I stood by my hospital bed,…

I’m hoping and praying for a continuation of potency

8 March 2014 9:00 am

I’ve had a medical procedure that is ‘likely’ to leave me impotent. A nurse is coming around dishing out Tramadol,…

Watching car crash compliations with my grandson

1 March 2014 9:00 am

My boy was downstairs cooking Sunday roast. Earlier, I had been clambering about on a woodpile, stepped awkwardly, and twisted…

Lord Rennard's hand-brushing is nothing. I'll tell you what true violation is

22 February 2014 9:00 am

‘In my opinion,’ says Alistair Webster QC, author of the Liberal Democrats’ internal report into Lord Rennard’s droit de seigneur-style…

My night in Zambia with Ian Dury 

15 February 2014 9:00 am

Every time I hear that song ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ played on the radio, I think, Lord,…

Rolling back the years in a stretched Hummer

8 February 2014 9:00 am

My first ride in a stretch Hummer. I haven’t lived, I now realise. The prodigious, ridiculous thing, tricked out in…

Memories of a departed dog — and of a different me

1 February 2014 9:00 am

I shifted a chest of drawers that hadn’t been moved for years, and found an old photograph lying among the…

Riding back from Scotland with Ron Burgundy in the privy

25 January 2014 9:00 am

When the ticket collector asked to see my ticket, I took the opportunity to ask what time my connection left…

The joy of showing my grandson how to wield an axe

18 January 2014 9:00 am

Until a fortnight ago there was a healthy, graceful, 70ft-specimen of Eucalyptus dalrympleana — or mountain gum — in the…

Jeremy Clarke: When public vice improves private virtue

11 January 2014 9:00 am

So I go to the all-night house party with my rolled-up yoga mat under my arm. Nice house, middle-class crowd,…

Jeremy Clarke: Get your yoga mat - you've pulled

4 January 2014 9:00 am

I went from the first yoga session of the New Year to the pub. I felt ever so noble. The…

Jeremy Clarke: If you haven’t read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, you haven’t lived

14 December 2013 9:00 am

Christmas shopping in Waterstones, I came across a memory card game called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. I snatched…

Jeremy Clarke: it’s 3 a.m. in London’s bohemian quarter and not a reasonably priced drink in sight

7 December 2013 9:00 am

It’s a disgrace! I went up to London from Devon, a hick up from the sticks, to Annabel’s in Berkeley…

Jeremy Clarke: I'm a fake. The cannabis tells me so

30 November 2013 9:00 am

Can it be that the one single agreeable thing about getting old is that one loses one’s pot paranoia? No.…

Low life

23 November 2013 9:00 am

The beer garden at the back of the pub was empty, save one woman sitting alone at a table contemplating…

Jeremy Clarke: Why has Ed Miliband hidden his comic genius from the world?

16 November 2013 9:00 am

Theresa May must have been a little disappointed. Her government limousine rolled silently to a halt at the rear entrance…

Jeremy Clarke: Can't we even manage a proper hurricane?

9 November 2013 9:00 am

In the Spar shop I overheard someone talking anxiously to the woman on the till about an approaching ‘hurricane’. I…