Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

How a human body burns

9 December 2017 9:00 am

I took a dab of antiseptic gel and rubbed my hands together. ‘Alone tonight, sir?’ said the charming head waiter.…

The pure joy of a boring car

2 December 2017 9:00 am

My pal Charlie inherited a car and a ride-on mower from an old pal. He kept the mower and the…

Treble doubles, shattered glass and a copper on the doorstep

25 November 2017 9:00 am

The door to Trev’s flat was open so I walked in and found him on the sofa watching TV. He…

Was there pleasure at Passchendaele?

18 November 2017 9:00 am

At ten to eleven we filed outside the church and assembled in the graveyard around a small cenotaph commemorating the…

A lament for the best pub in Devon

11 November 2017 9:00 am

We had a hyperbole competition, the taxi driver and I, over the climbing full moon, clearer and brighter than either…

The perils of the boar-hunting season

4 November 2017 9:00 am

The French countryside around here is teeming with wild boar. They visit the shack at night to eat the pansies…

Low life

28 October 2017 9:00 am

Last May we had dinner with a comic who reads a lot and his wife. At one point, he told…

Low life

21 October 2017 9:00 am

On Saturday night, I toddled up to the village hall for the fish-and-chip supper, quiz night and raffle — bring…

Low life

14 October 2017 9:00 am

Early on Friday morning I flew from the north of Iceland to Reykjavik, from Reykjavik to Heathrow, then I hopped…

Low life

7 October 2017 9:00 am

The temperature gauge needle heeled hard over into the red. ‘Not again,’ I said to Oscar, sitting beside me on…

Low life

30 September 2017 9:00 am

As is traditional in this village, the Chapel congregation had walked the 100 yards up the hill to unite with…

Low life

23 September 2017 9:00 am

I got off the plane at Changi still pleasantly sedated by Xanax, passed through the ‘nothing to declare’ channel, and…

Low life

16 September 2017 9:00 am

The army patrols at Nice airport go around three abreast, steely-eyed, fingers on the trigger. They walk slowly and scrutinise…

Low life

9 September 2017 9:00 am

‘Have you ever thought of having some colour put in, love?’ said Julian as he shaved my neck with a…

Low life

2 September 2017 9:00 am

I arrived for lunch a bit late and was led to the dining table. Our hostess disappeared back into the…

Low life

26 August 2017 9:00 am

My mother has various chronic illnesses and finds it almost impossible to remain both immobile and awake during the day.…

Low life

19 August 2017 9:00 am

On Sunday morning we went, Oscar and I, to a vide grenier in the ancient, picturesque Provençal village. Vide grenier…

Low life

12 August 2017 9:00 am

My grandson and I are reprising the 1968 film The Swimmer. Burt Lancaster is an advertising executive at a pool…

Low life

5 August 2017 9:00 am

Five and the Red One are a German covers band. It’s probably the most uninspiring name for a rock band…

Low life

22 October 2016 9:00 am

In 1999 I went to the doctor about the impotence. Don’t worry, he said. I have good news for you.…

Zopiclone: drug of choice for monkeys and the French

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Hours before boarding the cross-Channel car ferry, I received a text message from the company warning of severe fuel shortages…

My manhood is hanging in the balance

28 May 2016 9:00 am

We cleared the kitchen table for a game of pick-up sticks. Remember them? Thirty long, thin bamboo sticks, their differing…

The French gym where kissing before a workout is mandatory

21 May 2016 9:00 am

A fresh start in a new gym in a foreign country. The serious young gym attendant didn’t speak a word…

The members of White’s fall into two categories: shits and bores

14 May 2016 9:00 am

On Sunday we were invited for lunch at Chez Bruno, an unbelievably posh restaurant in the south of France. At…

French labour laws should come with a health warning

7 May 2016 9:00 am

The tourist information office of the small French country town looked closed. Peering between the posters on the window glass,…