Low life
On Saturday night, I toddled up to the village hall for the fish-and-chip supper, quiz night and raffle — bring…
Low life
Early on Friday morning I flew from the north of Iceland to Reykjavik, from Reykjavik to Heathrow, then I hopped…
Low life
The temperature gauge needle heeled hard over into the red. ‘Not again,’ I said to Oscar, sitting beside me on…
Low life
As is traditional in this village, the Chapel congregation had walked the 100 yards up the hill to unite with…
Low life
I got off the plane at Changi still pleasantly sedated by Xanax, passed through the ‘nothing to declare’ channel, and…
Low life
The army patrols at Nice airport go around three abreast, steely-eyed, fingers on the trigger. They walk slowly and scrutinise…
Low life
‘Have you ever thought of having some colour put in, love?’ said Julian as he shaved my neck with a…
Low life
I arrived for lunch a bit late and was led to the dining table. Our hostess disappeared back into the…
Low life
My mother has various chronic illnesses and finds it almost impossible to remain both immobile and awake during the day.…
Low life
On Sunday morning we went, Oscar and I, to a vide grenier in the ancient, picturesque Provençal village. Vide grenier…
Low life
My grandson and I are reprising the 1968 film The Swimmer. Burt Lancaster is an advertising executive at a pool…
Low life
Five and the Red One are a German covers band. It’s probably the most uninspiring name for a rock band…
Low life
In 1999 I went to the doctor about the impotence. Don’t worry, he said. I have good news for you.…
Zopiclone: drug of choice for monkeys and the French
Hours before boarding the cross-Channel car ferry, I received a text message from the company warning of severe fuel shortages…
My manhood is hanging in the balance
We cleared the kitchen table for a game of pick-up sticks. Remember them? Thirty long, thin bamboo sticks, their differing…
The French gym where kissing before a workout is mandatory
A fresh start in a new gym in a foreign country. The serious young gym attendant didn’t speak a word…
The members of White’s fall into two categories: shits and bores
On Sunday we were invited for lunch at Chez Bruno, an unbelievably posh restaurant in the south of France. At…
French labour laws should come with a health warning
The tourist information office of the small French country town looked closed. Peering between the posters on the window glass,…
My old columns are a form of purgatory
I drank Bombay gin and Fever-Tree tonic on the half-empty easyJet flight to Gatwick. I was even offered ice cubes.…
My life in West Ham matches
What consolation in life can Arthur and I find after that defeat at the hands of Manchester United in the…
Why gender fluidity will never take off in France
On Monday morning I was in a blind panic. The deadline for posted manuscript entries to the Daily Mail First…
A game of chess with my grandson and a dead mouse
The younger grandson, Klynton, four, has got in the habit recently of thrusting his hands in my trouser pockets and…
Walking, and praying, in the hills of Provence
While I was in Provence, my hostess and I went out one day for a walk in the hills. We…
Cheltenham has no brothels – I wonder why
I shared a taxi from Cheltenham station to the house party in an outlying village with a stripper. Finding a…
Trev leans over to me: ‘Jägers?’ he says. ‘Pope?’ I say.
I walk into the King Bill at eight o’clock and the usual young Friday-night crowd is in and the spirit…
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