Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

Jesus sometimes plays a very long game

17 October 2015 8:00 am

We closed the last page of a gruesome, thrilling picture book called The Day Louis Got Eaten and said our…

Happiness is a chainsaw and a maul in the rain and the mud

10 October 2015 9:00 am

It rained all day long last Friday in Provence, and it rained all night, and on Saturday morning it was…

Farewell, white ovoid exhaustion-inducing tablets; hello, West Ham’s religious revival

3 October 2015 8:00 am

Every morning for the past two years, on waking, I’ve reached out for the white plastic tub on the bedside…

Follow my grandsons on the trail of the last bear in England

26 September 2015 8:00 am

I was looking after Oscar, my five-and-a-half-year-old grandson, for the day. We’d played football in the garden, then we’d come…

Modafinil, ladies and gentlemen. Recommended.

19 September 2015 8:00 am

The staples of my daily alcohol consumption on the cruise were champagne, gin, red wine and Polish vodka. One morning…

The only one who set a bad example on the high seas was Taki

12 September 2015 9:00 am

There is something repulsive about the sea, especially when seen from the altitude of the upper decks of a monstrous…

Taki's table talk and my fears about the Spectator cruise

5 September 2015 9:00 am

Last Saturday afternoon, in Venice, 31 Spectator readers, plus Martin Vander Weyer, the great Taki and I came aboard the…

Italy is so civilised! Even at a mad dash

29 August 2015 9:00 am

I sprinted through Milan station, speed-read the departures monitor without stopping, and arrived gasping on platform 8 with two minutes…

Watching the Persid meteor shower with Professor Brian Cox – lucky me!

22 August 2015 9:00 am

‘How many people have you slept with in your life, roughly?’ she asked. We were lying in bed in the…

Have I killed my friend’s Jack Russell? Time to check Google

15 August 2015 9:00 am

Toby goes to bed at 10 o’clock sharp every night otherwise he gets irritable. Toby sleeps on the bed always.…

When the going gets tough there’s nothing like an hour of rollicking hymn singing

8 August 2015 9:00 am

On Saturday my boy had a mini-stroke at home, aged only 26. ‘You’ll have to give up smoking and do…

My glimpse into the brotherhood of bouncers

1 August 2015 9:00 am

After Trev had mugged the mugger in the toilet we moved quickly on to another club. The Double O is…

Safety tip: don't try to steal Trev's phone

25 July 2015 9:00 am

‘I’ve lost my phone,’ yells Trev. We’re in a club. He’s come charging on to the dance floor to tell…

In my opinion, Death Corner was a very safe place to stand

18 July 2015 9:00 am

Watching the daily running of the bulls through Pamplona’s narrow streets online this week has given me a wistful pang…

The chemically castrated are useless at crosswords: true or false?

11 July 2015 9:00 am

After hitting me with the cancer diagnosis, the urologist offered me the choice of a longer life in exchange for…

Praise, insults, posh gin – and other perils of the book launch

4 July 2015 9:00 am

Rachel Johnson, in last week’s Spectator diary, says that her husband says she only writes a book in order to…

Drugs, whipping, decomposing bodies and fighting in toilets: so that’s what Spectator readers get up to

27 June 2015 9:00 am

Ninety-two readers (thank you!) sent accounts of their worst debacles on drink or drugs. I printed out each one and…

The vicar struck the first blow. And then he told us all a joke

20 June 2015 9:00 am

Before delivering his sermon, the vicar said we must offer one another the sign of peace. He struck the first…

After the initial shock of my cancer diagnosis, I’ve never been happier

13 June 2015 9:00 am

On Sunday morning, I was kicking a football in the back garden with my grandson. I had bought him his…

Call myself a Low life? You lot put me to shame

6 June 2015 9:00 am

The entries are crawling in on their hands and knees for the ‘drunkest I’ve ever been’ competition to win a…

Outstrip Jeremy Clarke’s worst excesses and win an invitation to his Low life book launch

30 May 2015 9:00 am

On 26 June there is a party at the Spectator office at 22 Old Queen Street to launch a paperback…

The ant mind is right up there with the medieval one

23 May 2015 9:00 am

From somewhere in the tree canopy, a nightingale song. The virtuoso trilling and warbling, the underwater bubbling, the teetering on…

A tale of two cruises

16 May 2015 9:00 am

I’ve been on two cruises before: one was fun, the other misery. The misery one was a late August cruise…

We could swear and spit, strangle and shoot people

9 May 2015 9:00 am

The old fishing town faced the sea psychically as well as architecturally. Dressed as pirates, my grandson and I walked…

A fingertip symphony in a deeply rural French ladies’ hairdresser

2 May 2015 9:00 am

Two stylists work at this deeply rural French ladies’ hairdresser. Christelle is a gorgeous 17-year-old point-of-lay pullet, so lithe and…