Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

Honesty, simplicity, integrity: not what I want the morning after

12 July 2014 9:00 am

Tap tap tap at the door. I opened my eyes. ‘Check-out 10.30,’ said a neutral or possibly slightly hostile female…

A circle of love with Brown Eagle Feather

5 July 2014 9:00 am

‘I’m wasted,’ said Trev, meaning not that his life is futile, but that his mind was overwhelmed by illegal drugs.…

My night in a room haunted by falling cannonballs

28 June 2014 9:00 am

On Saturday night I went to Charlie’s 69th birthday party. What a gaff he’s got. The rather snooty description of…

An orgy of violence at the summer fête

21 June 2014 9:00 am

After three days tête-à-tête (and sometimes tête-à-pied) I walked into town alone to get some air and see what the…

A free gin, a cheeky joint: welcome back to the local

14 June 2014 8:00 am

My first time back in the local for eight weeks. The manageress lifts the flap, comes around to my side…

Sharon took to the madness of Pamplona like a duck to water

7 June 2014 9:00 am

Then there was the time I took Sharon to the Pamplona bull run. She looked very fetching in the traditional…

Two narcissists trapped in one static caravan

31 May 2014 9:00 am

I was two days alone in the caravan and no signal or reception of any sort. It was like a…

In the soft Cornish air, with the pressure off, I caved in

24 May 2014 9:00 am

Just when I was beginning to think I’d had enough, I was offered a free week in a caravan. I…

'I know what you are, and where you've come from. Be aware we are under God's protection'

17 May 2014 9:00 am

I couldn’t find the house so I called the number again. Instead of the man I’d spoken to previously, this…

My love for Sharon was like a mental illness

10 May 2014 9:00 am

As Sharon stooped to pour boiling water from the kettle into two mugs, I studied her back and wondered what,…

Sharon's back, altered in mind as well as body

3 May 2014 9:00 am

Sharon’s back. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to the house and let myself in. She was…

My VIP drive around Rajasthan

26 April 2014 9:00 am

Two years ago, roughly, for a travel piece, I flew to Delhi and took a southbound train to a dusty…

Battle of the grandsons

19 April 2014 9:00 am

In the blue corner, wearing 4oz gloves, is the Ninja. Real name Klynton. The younger of my two grandsons. Also…

"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"

12 April 2014 9:00 am

On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce,…

We're all just bewildered apes – my financial adviser proves it

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Depressed and demoralised after the defeat of his nation of farmers in the second Boer war, Eugène Marais, an Afrikaner…

He's a great friend. He knows everything. Please don't let him phone

29 March 2014 9:00 am

Another sunny Sunday morning and the phone rings. I pick up the receiver. It’s Frank. I groan inwardly. Frank is…

The hilarity of Hoopoes and Luis Suárez’s teeth

22 March 2014 9:00 am

My brother’s three Borders are called Roxy, Ruby and Taz. My one ambition in life is to own a terrier…

A night on a hospital ward with Paddy Leigh Fermor

15 March 2014 9:00 am

The catheter stung exquisitely when I lay down. So I stood up. All night I stood by my hospital bed,…

I’m hoping and praying for a continuation of potency

8 March 2014 9:00 am

I’ve had a medical procedure that is ‘likely’ to leave me impotent. A nurse is coming around dishing out Tramadol,…

Watching car crash compliations with my grandson

1 March 2014 9:00 am

My boy was downstairs cooking Sunday roast. Earlier, I had been clambering about on a woodpile, stepped awkwardly, and twisted…

Lord Rennard's hand-brushing is nothing. I'll tell you what true violation is

22 February 2014 9:00 am

‘In my opinion,’ says Alistair Webster QC, author of the Liberal Democrats’ internal report into Lord Rennard’s droit de seigneur-style…

My night in Zambia with Ian Dury 

15 February 2014 9:00 am

Every time I hear that song ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ played on the radio, I think, Lord,…

Rolling back the years in a stretched Hummer

8 February 2014 9:00 am

My first ride in a stretch Hummer. I haven’t lived, I now realise. The prodigious, ridiculous thing, tricked out in…

Memories of a departed dog — and of a different me

1 February 2014 9:00 am

I shifted a chest of drawers that hadn’t been moved for years, and found an old photograph lying among the…

Riding back from Scotland with Ron Burgundy in the privy

25 January 2014 9:00 am

When the ticket collector asked to see my ticket, I took the opportunity to ask what time my connection left…