Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

The members of White’s fall into two categories: shits and bores

14 May 2016 9:00 am

On Sunday we were invited for lunch at Chez Bruno, an unbelievably posh restaurant in the south of France. At…

French labour laws should come with a health warning

7 May 2016 9:00 am

The tourist information office of the small French country town looked closed. Peering between the posters on the window glass,…

My old columns are a form of purgatory

30 April 2016 9:00 am

I drank Bombay gin and Fever-Tree tonic on the half-empty easyJet flight to Gatwick. I was even offered ice cubes.…

My life in West Ham matches

23 April 2016 9:00 am

What consolation in life can Arthur and I find after that defeat at the hands of Manchester United in the…

Why gender fluidity will never take off in France

16 April 2016 9:00 am

On Monday morning I was in a blind panic. The deadline for posted manuscript entries to the Daily Mail First…

A game of chess with my grandson and a dead mouse

9 April 2016 9:00 am

The younger grandson, Klynton, four, has got in the habit recently of thrusting his hands in my trouser pockets and…

Walking, and praying, in the hills of Provence

2 April 2016 9:00 am

While I was in Provence, my hostess and I went out one day for a walk in the hills. We…

Cheltenham has no brothels – I wonder why

26 March 2016 9:00 am

I shared a taxi from Cheltenham station to the house party in an outlying village with a stripper. Finding a…

Trev leans over to me: ‘Jägers?’ he says. ‘Pope?’ I say.

19 March 2016 9:00 am

I walk into the King Bill at eight o’clock and the usual young Friday-night crowd is in and the spirit…

The poetic power of Patrick Hamilton's pubs

12 March 2016 9:00 am

Nice airport was more or less deserted. Two-and-a-half hours early for the easyJet flight to Gatwick, I had a leisurely…

A gastronomic moron’s view of a legendary French brasserie

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Before we left for Sunday lunch at the Les Deux Garçons restaurant, Aix-en-Provence, I checked the reviews on Tripadvisor. I’m…

The upside of cancer

27 February 2016 9:00 am

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer with metastases in April 2013. It was a bit of a shock, but when…

My afternoon with the French Foreign Legion

20 February 2016 9:00 am

In the Foreign Legion’s Museum of Memory at Aubagne, near Marseilles, I examined the kit, weapons and uniforms from the…

‘Are you worried about being sexually assaulted?’: my night in Cologne

13 February 2016 9:00 am

I chased the shadow of the New Year’s Eve sex attacks through the city’s carnival

Exit, pursued by drunk polar bear

13 February 2016 9:00 am

The hotel reception was lit by three gloomy low-wattage light bulbs. It should have been six but the management was…

Even a Cambridge-educated spook couldn't make me believe in ghosts

6 February 2016 9:00 am

Denis was my guide to and from the new out-of-town Lidl superstore at Salernes in Provence. I drove. The road…

How to avoid being taken for a ride

30 January 2016 9:00 am

This book, the blurb warns us, was written by ‘an established voice in popular psychology, with a regular column on…

Is this the real Queen? (Photo: Getty)

So the Queen's a Satanist cannibal? I’d still swear allegiance

30 January 2016 9:00 am

Roy was a superb mechanic, a methodical master of his trade. For an hour I respectfully watched him work to…

The secret life of Sir John Major

23 January 2016 9:00 am

Putting old or contaminated petrol in a car needn’t be catastrophic, but in the Golf’s case it was. With 37,000…

My six-year-old grandson got Grand Theft Auto, certificate 18, for Christmas

16 January 2016 9:00 am

I was at home in Devon for the month of December. My sister was also there and her tyrannical, wildly…

The palpable tragedy of New Year’s Eve in A&E

9 January 2016 9:00 am

The new year was two hours young. My boy and I were side by side on a row of three…

My 2015 pharmacopoeia: ecstasy, decapepyl, abiraterone, tamsulosin, cocaine...

2 January 2016 9:00 am

For me, last year started with an appalling whitey outside a pub after swallowing a second ecstasy tablet because I…

She was Ariadne to my Theseus

12 December 2015 9:00 am

My contempt for vaping deepened as vaping contraptions became more ostentatious and people started hanging them from lanyards around their…

A paean to a typewriter

5 December 2015 9:00 am

My favourite YouTube video clip this week shows a chap sitting at a desk typing. All you can see of…

Caption: Who is Mary Magdalene exactly?

The GP charged around to my side of the table and roved her hand all over my pubic area

28 November 2015 9:00 am

On Friday morning I was peeing razor blades so I rang up the doctor and was given an appointment after…