In a stunning display of professional courtesy, the Chinese Communist Party has sought advice from the Victorian Labor government on how to perfect the art of totalitarian education while maintaining a squeaky-clean progressive image.

While amateur authoritarians in China fumble around with tactics like arresting dissidents, Victoria has achieved something far more sophisticated: they have managed to create a compliant, docile population that actually thanks them for the privilege of being controlled.

Admitted one anonymous CCP official:

We were impressed. Really impressed!

When we saw how Victoria convinced parents to cheer while their children were locked out of Playgrounds for months, we knew we had found our mentors. Our crude methods of social control pale in comparison to their elegant psychological manipulation.

Another observer commented:

We particularly admired how they managed to convince teachers to become informants.

In China, we have to threaten people to report on their colleagues. In Victoria, they volunteer! They actually compete to see who can be more zealous in enforcing ideological purity.

The Victorian approach is indeed masterful. Why bother with crude re-education camps when you can simply rebrand ideological indoctrination as ‘inclusive curriculum’? Why use jackbooted thugs when you can deploy rainbow-flag-waving bureaucrats who make dissent feel like bigotry?

Labor’s breathless enthusiasm for this ‘education partnership’ makes perfect sense. After all, Victoria has spent years perfecting the delicate art of turning schools into compliance factories while parents applaud the ‘progressive values’ being instilled in their children. It’s totalitarianism with a smile emoji – and the CCP is taking notes.

The genius of the Victorian model lies in its branding.

While China’s heavy-handed approach to thought control generates international condemnation, Victoria has managed to achieve similar results while being praised by the UN and winning progressive awards. They’ve turned parents into enthusiastic collaborators in their own children’s ideological conditioning.

After decades of crude oppression, they’re finally learning from the masters: how to build a totalitarian state that its victims will defend, convinced they’re living in a progressive paradise.

Satire. Obviously. Yes, we have to point this out in 2025.