In iconic comedy Anchorman, Ron Burgundy asks louche reporter Brian Fantana which cologne he intends to wear. Swinging open the cabinet, they go through the choices: Blackbeard’s Delight, London Gentleman, before Fantana brings out Sex Panther. A cologne so potent Burgundy says it smells like pure gasoline.
About Sex Panther, Fantana says, ‘Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.’ Which sounds like something pollster Kos Samaras might say about Victorian politics. Unbothered by genuine political beliefs, our state politicians struggle to find which scent will get punters to vote for them. Or as Fantana says: ‘Make this little kitty purr…’
Given Victoria’s current end-of-world vibe, we could do with some purring.
And an upcoming state election is like a singles bar you go to when your fiscal junk doesn’t work. I learnt that from reading Female Eunuch and a remaindered Kathy Lette novel.
So, is the Victorian government the Brian Fantana of state governments and are Victorians pussy cats wanting to be given stuff, so we purr?
In the pre-election War Rooms, highly-paid operatives are already rifling through persona options to get their leader over the line: is it ‘Dan Andrews lite’, ‘Pant Suited Crime Fighter’, ‘Ordinary Victorian’, ‘Billion Dollar Baby’ or ‘Not Joan Kirner’?
Right now, our Tik Tokking Premier is channelling her inner Dukes of Hazzard, as Boss Lady, boldly reversing a decision to stop World Cup telecasting from Federation Square and calling some flare-throwing soccer fans dickheads to show she talks just like us.
So, what is the irresistible cologne go-to that Victorian voters cannot resist at the ballot box? Based on the state budget, it’s ‘more free stuff’.
On her socials, our Premier badges herself ‘mum’. I’ve noticed a lot of mumming and dadding across the political divide by nervous vote-chasing politicians. Who doesn’t love a Mum? Unless it’s Mommy Dearest and you were babysat by Joan Crawford and a jar of tranquilisers.
Responding to rumours party colleagues want her removed, the Premier recently said these are scallywags needing a cuddle. Using consultant-speak this both ‘worked’ and ‘didn’t work’. Describing colleagues as ‘scallywags’ played to the mum persona. All these misguided imps need is some motherly love to make them behave.
The political heavy lifting though is in the second bit about a cuddle. Given the brutal nature of politics AD (After Dan – as opposed to BC – Before John Cain) she might have said headlock instead, that and maybe a quick call to the high-vis brigade.
