With Tracy Grimshaw’s retirement from A Current Affair, Australians might speculate on who will replace the hard-hitting woman responsible for exposing Australia’s once most odious suburban pests – people screaming about a dodgy builder, their neighbour’s fence, and/or the local meth lab.

We hope it will be someone that understands there has been seismic cultural shift. We are currently in the midst of a surge of the new pest: different, but just as petty and willing to rant on national television as their forebears. The new pest is the inner-city bogan snob.

We, your writers, would relish the chance to walk down Boundary St. in Brisbane’s West End, traverse the streets of Sydney’s Newtown, or interview half of Melbourne with a microphone and the finest non-Woke camera crew.

We are sure they would be more than happy to wax lyrical about their petty qualms.

Common concerns that incense these inner-city bogan snobs include: gentrification as a threat to their way of life (a fight between a working-class family and a cashed-up hippie would make good TV), flight paths bringing down property prices, the lack of gender-neutral bathrooms and organic fairtrade coffee at their local cafes, or even the importation of American-style racial identity politics.

Of course, a current affair show centered around the endless bleating of the upper-middle-class Green-Left might strike some readers as superfluous considering Channel Ten’s The Project. However, our proposal has a unique selling point – we’re going to treat them with the sympathy they deserve. None.

First, we would have to catalogue a couple of their sins. They complain about gentrification whilst ignoring that they are, in fact, the gentrifiers as they have created the ‘avant-garde’ cultural clout that makes an area desirable in the first place. Their declarations of compassion for the poor ring hollow (given their obsession with their property prices), and despite an insistence that Indigenous sovereignty was never ceded they clearly believe they should have sovereignty over the airspace above their lucrative lots.

Take for example the federal member for Brisbane, Stephen Bates. His electorate contains Brisbane’s wealthiest suburbs – Ascot, Clayfield, Hamilton, New Farm, Newstead, and Teneriffe. He was elected to Parliament in part because he validated the wealthiest Brisbanite’s complaints about aircraft noise, mentioning it during his maiden speech. Of course, the aircraft industry is already fixing the problem – both Boeing and Airbus’ latest generation of jets come with engines that are substantially quieter than their predecessors. That said, one cannot expect a Green to acknowledge the existence of a private sector tech fix.

Viewers of our imagined show might find it reminiscent of Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous and we would of course be interviewing our subjects at the most Woke coffee shops. However, our difference is that we would, in memory of Tracy, capture the heart of this trivial misery by drawing light upon the fact these people worry more about (hypocritical) cultural appropriation than about paying their monthly energy bill.

This gives us a radical take Tracy would be proud of. Vale, the pests that once were – outpriced by our new inner-city bogan snobs. Stay tuned.