‘I suppose with the rate technology’s changing these days they’ll look back on us and think we were primitive.’

Cave

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Turns out they provide water to the local community. They don’t know anything about interrogation techniques.’

Waterboard

30 August 2014 9:00 am

Godfellas

Godfellas

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘And what girl’s name will it be today, Señor Don Juan?’

Tattoo

30 August 2014 9:00 am

Missing

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Sorry, I seem to have rubbed you up the wrong way.’

Lamp

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘It’s another disproportionate Israeli response.’

Goliath

30 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Are you going to be much longer, Daddy? I’m trying to get to sleep.’

Bedtime

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘If you only knew what sacrifices your father is having to make to put you through university.’

Sacrifice

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Witches

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Iraq

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Some of us are, quite literally, fat cats.’

Cats

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘There are a lot of long passages.’

Passages

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Help

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Raid

23 August 2014 9:00 am

Emoticon theatre

Emoticon

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Jack Sprat would eat no fat, his wife would eat no lean, no dairy, no wheat, no soya, no non-organic or GM food, no non-sustainable fish, no...’

Jack

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Bearing in mind your little boy’s issues with sugary drinks, we recommend you enrol him in the rehab crèche.’

Rehab

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘Don’t touch me — this isn’t the Seventies.’

Seventies

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘It turns out you’re not A, B or AB but the much rarer ABBA blood group.’

Abba

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘He’s taken over from Famine.’

Horsemen

23 August 2014 9:00 am

‘I take it this is your first literary festival.’

Festival

16 August 2014 9:00 am

‘I only have to watch this programme and I put weight on!’

Bakeoff

16 August 2014 9:00 am

‘They’re in some kind of feeding frenzy.’

Frenzy

16 August 2014 9:00 am

‘A hundred lines, Miss? But I’ll be out of my tree!’

Lines

16 August 2014 9:00 am