Low life

"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"

12 April 2014 9:00 am

On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce,…

We're all just bewildered apes – my financial adviser proves it

5 April 2014 9:00 am

Depressed and demoralised after the defeat of his nation of farmers in the second Boer war, Eugène Marais, an Afrikaner…

He's a great friend. He knows everything. Please don't let him phone

29 March 2014 9:00 am

Another sunny Sunday morning and the phone rings. I pick up the receiver. It’s Frank. I groan inwardly. Frank is…

The hilarity of Hoopoes and Luis Suárez’s teeth

22 March 2014 9:00 am

My brother’s three Borders are called Roxy, Ruby and Taz. My one ambition in life is to own a terrier…

A night on a hospital ward with Paddy Leigh Fermor

15 March 2014 9:00 am

The catheter stung exquisitely when I lay down. So I stood up. All night I stood by my hospital bed,…

I’m hoping and praying for a continuation of potency

8 March 2014 9:00 am

I’ve had a medical procedure that is ‘likely’ to leave me impotent. A nurse is coming around dishing out Tramadol,…

Watching car crash compliations with my grandson

1 March 2014 9:00 am

My boy was downstairs cooking Sunday roast. Earlier, I had been clambering about on a woodpile, stepped awkwardly, and twisted…

Lord Rennard's hand-brushing is nothing. I'll tell you what true violation is

22 February 2014 9:00 am

‘In my opinion,’ says Alistair Webster QC, author of the Liberal Democrats’ internal report into Lord Rennard’s droit de seigneur-style…

My night in Zambia with Ian Dury 

15 February 2014 9:00 am

Every time I hear that song ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ played on the radio, I think, Lord,…

Rolling back the years in a stretched Hummer

8 February 2014 9:00 am

My first ride in a stretch Hummer. I haven’t lived, I now realise. The prodigious, ridiculous thing, tricked out in…

Memories of a departed dog — and of a different me

1 February 2014 9:00 am

I shifted a chest of drawers that hadn’t been moved for years, and found an old photograph lying among the…

Riding back from Scotland with Ron Burgundy in the privy

25 January 2014 9:00 am

When the ticket collector asked to see my ticket, I took the opportunity to ask what time my connection left…

The joy of showing my grandson how to wield an axe

18 January 2014 9:00 am

Until a fortnight ago there was a healthy, graceful, 70ft-specimen of Eucalyptus dalrympleana — or mountain gum — in the…

Jeremy Clarke: When public vice improves private virtue

11 January 2014 9:00 am

So I go to the all-night house party with my rolled-up yoga mat under my arm. Nice house, middle-class crowd,…

Jeremy Clarke: Get your yoga mat - you've pulled

4 January 2014 9:00 am

I went from the first yoga session of the New Year to the pub. I felt ever so noble. The…

Jeremy Clarke: If you haven’t read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, you haven’t lived

14 December 2013 9:00 am

Christmas shopping in Waterstones, I came across a memory card game called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. I snatched…

Jeremy Clarke: it’s 3 a.m. in London’s bohemian quarter and not a reasonably priced drink in sight

7 December 2013 9:00 am

It’s a disgrace! I went up to London from Devon, a hick up from the sticks, to Annabel’s in Berkeley…

Jeremy Clarke: I'm a fake. The cannabis tells me so

30 November 2013 9:00 am

Can it be that the one single agreeable thing about getting old is that one loses one’s pot paranoia? No.…

Low life

23 November 2013 9:00 am

The beer garden at the back of the pub was empty, save one woman sitting alone at a table contemplating…

Jeremy Clarke: Why has Ed Miliband hidden his comic genius from the world?

16 November 2013 9:00 am

Theresa May must have been a little disappointed. Her government limousine rolled silently to a halt at the rear entrance…

Jeremy Clarke: Can't we even manage a proper hurricane?

9 November 2013 9:00 am

In the Spar shop I overheard someone talking anxiously to the woman on the till about an approaching ‘hurricane’. I…

Jeremy Clarke’s date with a plank fancier

2 November 2013 9:00 am

We’d being trying to meet for lunch for weeks, but always something had got in the way and either she…

Jeremy Clarke: Running into Rachel

26 October 2013 9:00 am

I’d been trying to curb the habit — one day at a time — and then I felt a bit…

My sky-blue 50mg Viagra tablet fell on to the floor. ‘Do you need to get that?’ she said - Jeremy Clarke

19 October 2013 9:00 am

I’d booked a private one-to-one session with her for an hour on the afternoon of the day she flew in.…

Jeremy Clarke: Heaven is afternoon tea with Suzi Quatro

12 October 2013 9:00 am

A surprisingly convivial atmosphere prevailed in the second-class carriage of the fast London-bound train when I stepped aboard at Bodmin.…