Low life
A circle of love with Brown Eagle Feather
‘I’m wasted,’ said Trev, meaning not that his life is futile, but that his mind was overwhelmed by illegal drugs.…
My night in a room haunted by falling cannonballs
On Saturday night I went to Charlie’s 69th birthday party. What a gaff he’s got. The rather snooty description of…
An orgy of violence at the summer fête
After three days tête-à-tête (and sometimes tête-à-pied) I walked into town alone to get some air and see what the…
A free gin, a cheeky joint: welcome back to the local
My first time back in the local for eight weeks. The manageress lifts the flap, comes around to my side…
Sharon took to the madness of Pamplona like a duck to water
Then there was the time I took Sharon to the Pamplona bull run. She looked very fetching in the traditional…
Two narcissists trapped in one static caravan
I was two days alone in the caravan and no signal or reception of any sort. It was like a…
In the soft Cornish air, with the pressure off, I caved in
Just when I was beginning to think I’d had enough, I was offered a free week in a caravan. I…
'I know what you are, and where you've come from. Be aware we are under God's protection'
I couldn’t find the house so I called the number again. Instead of the man I’d spoken to previously, this…
My love for Sharon was like a mental illness
As Sharon stooped to pour boiling water from the kettle into two mugs, I studied her back and wondered what,…
Sharon's back, altered in mind as well as body
Sharon’s back. As soon as I heard, I went straight round to the house and let myself in. She was…
My VIP drive around Rajasthan
Two years ago, roughly, for a travel piece, I flew to Delhi and took a southbound train to a dusty…
Battle of the grandsons
In the blue corner, wearing 4oz gloves, is the Ninja. Real name Klynton. The younger of my two grandsons. Also…
"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"
On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce,…
We're all just bewildered apes – my financial adviser proves it
Depressed and demoralised after the defeat of his nation of farmers in the second Boer war, Eugène Marais, an Afrikaner…
He's a great friend. He knows everything. Please don't let him phone
Another sunny Sunday morning and the phone rings. I pick up the receiver. It’s Frank. I groan inwardly. Frank is…
The hilarity of Hoopoes and Luis Suárez’s teeth
My brother’s three Borders are called Roxy, Ruby and Taz. My one ambition in life is to own a terrier…
A night on a hospital ward with Paddy Leigh Fermor
The catheter stung exquisitely when I lay down. So I stood up. All night I stood by my hospital bed,…
I’m hoping and praying for a continuation of potency
I’ve had a medical procedure that is ‘likely’ to leave me impotent. A nurse is coming around dishing out Tramadol,…
Watching car crash compliations with my grandson
My boy was downstairs cooking Sunday roast. Earlier, I had been clambering about on a woodpile, stepped awkwardly, and twisted…
Lord Rennard's hand-brushing is nothing. I'll tell you what true violation is
‘In my opinion,’ says Alistair Webster QC, author of the Liberal Democrats’ internal report into Lord Rennard’s droit de seigneur-style…
My night in Zambia with Ian Dury
Every time I hear that song ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ played on the radio, I think, Lord,…
Rolling back the years in a stretched Hummer
My first ride in a stretch Hummer. I haven’t lived, I now realise. The prodigious, ridiculous thing, tricked out in…
Memories of a departed dog — and of a different me
I shifted a chest of drawers that hadn’t been moved for years, and found an old photograph lying among the…
Riding back from Scotland with Ron Burgundy in the privy
When the ticket collector asked to see my ticket, I took the opportunity to ask what time my connection left…
The joy of showing my grandson how to wield an axe
Until a fortnight ago there was a healthy, graceful, 70ft-specimen of Eucalyptus dalrympleana — or mountain gum — in the…
