It’s the Labor Party’s National Conference in Adelaide at the moment. I was hoping to be invited to MC the event – or at least to perform a song, or something, at the Gala dinner.

No such luck.

It’s a shame, because I have penned a satirical little ditty in honour of our illustrious Labor ‘gummint’ – as the Prime Minister prefers to call our government.

With apologies to Cher, it goes something like this…

I was born in the land of a Labor ‘gummint’.

My Mama used to work for the money they’d print.

Papa would do whatever he could.

Try and pay his taxes for the common good.

But Grifters, spivs, and thieves.

They’ve taken all our money in the ACT.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night the unions come to town,

To tear our business down.

I was lookin’ for a job just south of Moree.

But all the best jobs have gone to Fiji.

Carbon credits must now be bought.

Billions of dollars for the climate rort.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

Taking all our money in the ACT.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night Bobo comes to town,

To tear our farmlands down.

I never had much schoolin’ but I know who I am.

A fair dinkum Aussie who belongs in this land.

Don’t try and teach me that our past is a crime.

Don’t try and tell me that this land isn’t mine.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

Welcome to your OWN country.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night Burko comes to town.

To tear our Aussie culture down.

I was born in the Mallee and moved to Latrobe.

Now they call me an Islamophobe.

Millions of dollars spent to appease,

Buying migrant votes for Albanese.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

Taking all our money in the ACT.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night in Bankstown,

The mullahs like to throw their grants around.

I was born in the valley growing grape vines.

Now all we grow are transmission lines.

Now all we farm is the wind and the sun.

Grandpa would have died if he knew what they’ve done.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

Trashing all our productivity.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night Jimbo comes to town,

And drives our living standards down.

All together now!

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

Taking all our money in the ACT.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…

But every night Albo comes to town,

Hoping Kylie’s still around.

Grifters, spivs, and thieves…