In Competition No. 3311, you were invited to submit a song suitable for inclusion in a parliamentary songbook.

In an entry in which most scored pleasingly high on singability, W.S. Gilbert rubbed shoulders with Simon & Garfunkel and the Kinks. An honourable mention to Emily Matthews, but leading the winners below, who take £30 each, is Bill Greenwell’s twist on ‘Dedicated Follower of Fashion’.

The Speaker’s here, the Speaker’s there,
His breeches tight against his Chair –
He may name and shame you, so he’s rarely second-guessed
For he’s a venerated model of dispassion
And when you catch his beady eye
He calls you up, voice extra-dry
Listening to your subtext and by politesse obsessed
For he’s a venerated model of dispassion
Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is)

There’s one thing he is and that’s non-partisan
He wears a little lanyard so we all know who he is
Yes, he’s a venerated model of dispassion
His world is Erskine May, and all procedure
He likes to purse his lips and keep them buttoned up quite tight
For he’s a venerated model of dispassion
Oh he’s a venerated model of dispassion

Bill Greenwell

Speeches by leeches termed Honourable Members.
Bigotry’s bonfires, democracy’s embers.
Whips who bounce backbencher’s balls upon strings
These are the boons that your Parliament brings.

Statements and Questions on White or Green Papers,
Front of House pieties, back-office capers,
A nation decentred by left and right wings:
Such are the boons that your Parliament brings.

Grandees grandstanding at sundry committees,
Useless handwringing at poverty’s pities,
A faith that the roundabouts balance the swings:
These are the boons that our Parliament brings.

When life’s no joke, when you’re flat broke,
When each day’s a strain
Just watch your Parliament spending your tax
And helplessly vote again.

Adrian Fry

When a Member’s not engaged in dodgy dealings (dodgy dealings)
Giving kin and cronies contracts and blank cheques, (dodgy cheques)
He’s declaring, extramarital, his feelings – (all his feelings)
For his pretty parliamentary private secs, (private sex)
Which feelings he’ll with difficulty smother (culty smother)
When he’s outed on the front page of the Sun (of the Sun)
Taking one consideration with another: (with another)
Oh, an MP’s lot is not a happy one. (Happy one)

When constituency duty’s to be done, to be done
No, an MP’s lot is not a happy one.
When a Member’s busy fiddling his expenses, (his expenses)
Filching from the cradle of democracy (mockracy)
We’ll forgive him when he says that his defence is (his defences)
That he represents the likes of you and me (you and me).
When constituency duty’s to be done, to be done
Oh, an MP’s lot is not a happy one.

David Silverman

There’s always room for music
In Parliament debates –
It brings a bit of harmony,
As few of us are mates.

That’s why we have a Speaker
To keep us in control –
He introduces unity
When conflict is the goal.

There’ll always be a Speaker
To put us in our place,
To stop us acting OTT,
And brandishing the mace.

He’s like the House conductor,
He jollies us along;
And, if we show disorder,
He makes us sing this song…

C. Paul Evans

We are the merry models of a modern Brit democracy,
our doors are never darkened by the dire stains of hypocrisy,
we get along in amity, debates most ministerial,
on best use of resources from industrial to cereal,
we all avoid a scandal and would never leak conspiracies,
our every speech reflects our constant care for our constituencies,
directives on inflation prove us thrifty economically,
our polls for popularity are soaring astronomically,
we thrive on problem-solving, if we differ it is minimally,
we always meet our targets and we never do it criminally,
we scorn to speak obtusely, dressing up our words in polly-speak,
we’re on the side of Everyman, congenial beyond critique,
we don’t drag up past issues for our memories are fragmentary,
we honour all traditions, truth in matters parliamentary,
our leadership is fairly spread and based on meritocracy,
we are the merry models of a modern Brit democracy.

Janine Beacham

No. 3314: Think pieces

You are invited to submit clerihews on well-known philosophers (up to three each). Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 23 August.