‘Think without borders,’ declares the masthead of the New European. But while the pro-EU paper claims to be an advocate for unity and tolerance, it seems they hold no qualms about stirring up division on Fleet Street. Its star columnist, Will Self, has filed a bizarre 2,300-word rant this week about the Guardian’s editorial choices, titled ‘My obsession with Adrian Chiles’ column.’

The basis for this punny headline is the relationship between Graun columnist Adrian Chiles and editor Katharine Viner. Chiles has written weekly articles for the paper – usually peppered with inoffensive observations, whimsical witterings and banal anecdotes – since February 2019. In April 2020, he began dating Viner, whom he met through their work at the wokest paper in all the West. The pair married in September 2022 and are still together now.

And it is the fact that Chiles has a Guardian column while being married to the paper’s editor that seems to have driven Self into a priapic paroxysm of phallic-induced rage. The novelist dubs Chiles’ efforts full of ‘guff’, ‘utter flim-flam’ and says the man himself is ‘primus inter pares when it comes to the current crop of Guardian navel-gazing columnists.’ But what really elevates this outpouring of bile is Self’s obsessive references to Chiles’ manhood. Mr S counted at least 28 mentions, with a level of anatomical detail that would make even Freud blush.

Self has not written for the Guardian since February 2020. Don’t hold your breath for his next commission…